This evening my wife asked me why I started working out to begin with. I spent some time thinking and I believe I know the truth. It was a physical manifestation of what was happening on the inside.

I joined this group I think in November or December, but we didn’t have our first meeting until around mid January. It took so much effort mentally to admit that I couldn’t do this on my own, and to step out of my comfort zone, that I wanted to start the very next day with any kind of homework assignment or book. I felt naked and in the middle of the street in broad daylight – there was no hiding, so I might as well make the best of it. The wait until the first meeting was painful. Almost like I was closed up in a box and trying to claw my way out.

The first/second meeting had no homework and I had a hard time opening up. I felt like a failure for withholding. I had to do something. I was in search of a change in my life. Sex was at the top of my mind, but it really wasn’t about sex. It was about my inner-self being unhappy. There was more to life. Since my search was sex-centric, I found the red pill/blue pill videos on YouTube. I didn’t really like the dating part, but there was one guy who spoke about red pill married life and that spoke directly to me. The book I purchased, 30 Days to Masculinity, was written by him.

It was a very big bite to chew, taking on all the challenges, but I handled it because I didn’t want to quit on myself anymore. I continued on the workouts for 6-9 months after the challenge was finished. Somehow I felt that my transformation on the inside was showing on the outside.

I found that my transformation wasn’t from the book or working out. It was from this group. Being able to share what’s going on in my head, asking for advice, seeing you guys struggle with the same issues and how some of you figured a way through them. The book was nothing more than a treadmill that kept me busy while the real work happened.

I am in a different place now. I know I quit working out. I don’t feel 100% good about quitting the physical exercises, but I strangely feel that my inner-self shows more on the outside. Which means that I don’t feel like I am hiding all the time. Sometime, yes, but not all the time. Internally I feel like I am in a comfort cycle now. I know that the growth cycle will inevitably happen. I just don’t know how it will manifest itself the next time.