In this week’s episode of Sexy Marriage Radio we’re diving into a topic that we’ve explored many times over the years: sustaining intimacy and pleasure in long-term relationships.
My recent chat with Dr Emily Nagoski, an insightful mind in the world of relationships and sex, shed some enlightening perspectives on this.
So, let’s unpack this and see how we can apply it to our lives.
Emily shared her journey in writing her latest book Come Together, a project born out of personal and professional evolution. She described how her earlier book, Come As You Are, prompted a new exploration into what makes sex enjoyable and meaningful over the long haul. This isn’t about maintaining the “spark” as much as it is about fostering pleasure and a genuine connection with your spouse.
One key takeaway from our conversation was her discovery of the concept of pleasure being the core element of lasting sexual relationships, rather than desire or arousal.
Emily pointed out that when we shift our focus from a duty or performance to what genuinely feels good, we lay a foundation for more fulfilling sexual experiences. It’s about what happens when you stop worrying about keeping the spark alive and start ensuring that both spouses genuinely enjoy their intimate moments.
Emily brilliantly captured this with stories from her own marriage, illustrating how the pressures of writing and talking about sex professionally paradoxically led to a personal disconnection from it. She used her narrative to highlight a common misconception in long-term relationships: that maintaining an intense, spontaneous sexual desire is the key to fulfillment.
Instead, she proposes a model where the measure of success is the mutual satisfaction and comfort found in the sexual relationship.
This is particularly powerful because it challenges the pervasive myth in our culture that good sex must be earth-shattering every single time.
Instead, Emily and I discussed how the healthiest sexual relationships in long studies she encountered were built on authenticity, mutual empathy, and most importantly, an underlying pleasure with each other.
Moreover, Emily’s insights into the dynamics of intimacy versus the erotic were particularly fascinating. She debunked the idea that you need either distance or closeness alone to maintain sexual excitement. Instead, she argues that couples who enjoy great sex focus less on the mechanics and more on the experience being mutually gratifying.
During the show, we also touched on the practical aspects of navigating sexual intimacy when life gets busy or stressful. Emily shared personal anecdotes about how following her own advice transformed her approach to sex from something stressful into an opportunity for connection and relaxation.
Let’s take these insights into our own relationships. It’s not about the grand gestures or the perfect setting; it’s about the everyday moments where we choose connection over convenience, pleasure over routine.
Whether it’s holding hands more often, ensuring open communication about each other’s needs, or simply being present in the moment together — these are the threads that weave a stronger bond.
If you’re looking to deepen the intimacy in your relationship, think less about sparking desire from thin air, and more about creating an environment where you and your spouse can honestly share and enjoy each other. After all, as Emily puts it, it’s about the pleasure of the journey together, not just the intensity of fleeting moments.
