This week I want to explore a topic that might make some uncomfortable, but it’s a crucial aspect of understanding the intricacies of long-term relationships: normal marital sadism. This is also the topic we cover on SMR (Normal Marital Sadism #666).

Now, before you start shifting in your seat or feeling defensive, let me assure you that this discussion isn’t about finger-pointing or casting blame. Instead, it’s an invitation to explore the darker corners of our relationships with courage and honesty.

As seasoned veterans of marriage (meaning you’ve been married long enough for the shine to have worn off), we understand that it’s not always sunshine and rainbows. We’re human, after all, and humans are complex creatures capable of both light and shadow. Normal marital sadism, as uncomfortable as it may sound, is just one facet of our multifaceted selves.

So, what exactly is normal marital sadism?

It’s important to clarify that it’s not about physical violence or overt abuse. Instead, it’s about the subtle ways in which we may intentionally harm or hurt our spouse, whether through words, actions, or even neglect.

Think about those moments when you’ve said something sarcastic to your spouse, not just in jest, but with a hint of cruelty. Or perhaps you’ve withheld information or lied, knowing it would cause pain. These are examples of normal marital sadism, where our actions are driven by underlying tensions and frustrations within ourselves.

But here’s the thing: acknowledging the existence of normal marital sadism doesn’t make us irredeemable villains.

It’s a recognition of our humanity, with all its flaws and imperfections. And it’s in this recognition that we find the opportunity for growth and transformation.

One of the first steps in addressing normal marital sadism is self-awareness. We must be willing to look inward and confront the darker aspects of our own behavior. It’s not easy, I’ll admit. But by shining a light on these shadows, we empower ourselves to make positive changes in our relationships.

Another crucial aspect is communication. We need to create a safe space where both partners can express their feelings openly and honestly. This means being vulnerable and willing to listen without judgment. It’s through open dialogue that we can bridge the gap between our intentions and our actions.

Furthermore, we must examine the dynamics of power and control within our relationships. Are we trying to manipulate or dominate our spouse? Are we using emotional tactics to establish compliance or gain dominance? These are important questions to ask ourselves as we strive for greater understanding and empathy.

But perhaps the most challenging aspect of addressing normal marital sadism is accepting responsibility. It’s easy to blame our spouse for their shortcomings or faults, but true growth requires us to look inward and take ownership of our own behavior. As I state in this week’s episode of SMR, “If you’re seeing it quickly in your spouse, you’re culpable in some way, shape, or form.”

Ultimately, addressing normal marital sadism is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, compassion, and a willingness to confront the uncomfortable truths within ourselves. But it’s also a journey of self-discovery and transformation, where we can emerge stronger and more resilient than before.

Let’s embark on this journey together. Let’s embrace the shadows and uncover the depths of our humanity. And let’s strive to create marriages built on honesty, empathy, and love.

Remember, we’re all in this together. And by facing our demons head-on, we can pave the way for brighter days ahead.

Until next time, stay curious, stay courageous, and stay committed to the journey of marriage.

All the best.