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The Danger of Online Pornography in Real Life

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Michael Smalley. Based on my previous post, there’s been some good discussion. Michael is a fellow therapist and blogger friend who wanted to weigh in on the discussion. What follows is Michael’s experience with people involving porn. I’ll weigh in with my thoughts tomorrow.

As a marriage and family author and speaker I’ve seen too many couples and too many families disintegrate because of online pornography and online affairs. Pornography found online is single-handedly the most dangerous enemy to healthy and vibrant relationships that I have run in to through my 15 years of helping couples.

Don’t believe me, then maybe you’ll believe Sarah (names changed for confidentiality). Sarah (and Jacob) had been happily married for almost 10 years when she discovered that his computer was full of online pornography. Sadly, it only takes a short time to become addicted to porn and Jacob was consumed with it.

Sarah wanted help, but Jacob had become so addicted that he didn’t care if he lost his family or not. Sarah came to my conference alone, hoping for some nugget of truth that might win her husband back. But after months of struggling with Jacob about his addiction to porn, he finally admitted that he’d been involved in several affairs with women he met online. There was nothing I could do for Sarah then – Jacob had made his choice and destroyed his family because of his destructive obsession.

But it’s not just marriages that are being destroyed through Internet pornography. About one year ago I had a mother and her 12 year-old son, Joey, come to me for some counseling. I didn’t know what they were dealing with. I assumed they were probably getting into conflict because her son was entering into puberty, which is a common time for parents to struggle relationally with their children.

Much to my dismay, however, Joey’s mother was not just into conflict with her son, but rather in a total crisis relating to online pornography. Joey’s parents kept a computer in the basement of their house so they could work in private when the kids were home from school.

Joey was well aware of this computer and often used it to research papers online or play online games. One day while Joey was researching a paper through Yahoo!, he stumbled across several links (which led) to sites with pornography. He checked them out and became instantly hooked. He would come home from school early just to look at pornography and would stay up late so he could sneak down to the basement alone and browse through his favorite porn sites.

This continued for several weeks completely undetected by his parents. Then one particular night, the police knocked on the front door at 2:00 a.m. asking Joey’s step dad where Joey was. Of course his confused step dad told the police that Joey was asleep in his bed. The police asked if they could enter the house to confirm Joey’s whereabouts and followed Joey’s dad down the hall and into his bedroom. There was no Joey in bed. The police looked at the step dad and asked, “Do you have a computer in the house?” The step dad answered yes and told the police it was down stairs.

As they opened the door to the basement they found Joey staring at the computer screen with a phone held to his ear. The site obviously confused Joey’s step dad and then the police explained something shocking.

While looking at online porn, Joey became so desperate to experience what he was watching on his monitor that he picked up the phone and dialed 0. When the tired AT&T operator answered her phone, like any other regular call, she was shocked to hear the voice of a 12 year-old boy asking her if she would be willing to have sex with a minor. Joey even told the operator where he lived, which is how she informed the police and then kept Joey on the phone so he could be protected.  The police showed up to Joey’s house and informed the parents what their son had been up to.

These stories are real and they are dangerous. If you have a computer at home that is not protected from the grotesque images on the web, then you are at risk. You don’t have to be a sick person to get involved in pornography. You could be as innocent as a loving husband who accidentally discovers online porn. You could be as young as a 12 year-old, inches away from becoming grossly addicted.

If you want to keep your family and marriage healthy, then you need to set yourself up to succeed. Don’t be overly confident when it comes to the safety and security of your most precious relationships. Either get rid of your internet connection at home or get your computers protected, your kids and family are worth it.  Pornography destroys everything it has influence over.  Do not let these stories be your story.

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How Pornography Impacts Marriage and Family Life

Most everyone who lives in an industrialized nation has felt the impact of the Internet. There is seldom a day where I am not online at some point, in fact it’s rare that I go several waking hours without hopping online for some reason. Even my 4 year old enjoys some of the games and activities the Internet provides.

The Internet is transforming the experience of growing up in America. It is also transforming the job of being a parent in America. The Internet brings the world – the good, the bad, and the ugly – to the American family’s doorstep. It brings the ruins of ancient Athens to that doorstep, but it also brings the red light district of Bangkok. ~ The Third Way Culture Project

The Internet is the means through which we know each other. It’s also how I connect with my family and past college and childhood friends. But as many of you know, the Internet also brings with it access to other things in our world, namely pornography and sexually explicit material.

If there is one issue I receive regular emails about it’s pornography and its impact on a marriage. Specifically, I’ve received lots of emails asking what to do when one spouse discovers the others use of pornography.

So what’s the impact pornography has upon marriage and family life?

Thus far, the research on Internet pornography (which is a distinct genre due to it’s accessibility, affordability, and anonymity – called the “Triple A Engine”) is not yet reflected in the literature as there are no studies that look specifically at marital and family process and Internet pornography. Any conclusion from research can only be inferred – although the inference is not too much of a leap in my opinion. There are however, many studies involving general pornography and the impact on marriage and family life.

To put this discussion into perspective, let’s review the characteristics of strong, stable, and satisfying marriages. While it is understood that there is not one way to have a stable and satisfying marriage, there are some common factors worth highlighting. Research states these characteristics as: investment in the well-being of the beloved; respect; admiration; sexual desire; intimacy; commitment; exclusivity; and understanding.

Pornography began being researched in 1984 and 1988 by Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant, and their research continues to be referenced. They discovered that the effects of repeated exposure to standard, non-violent, commonly available pornography includes: increased callousness toward women; distorted perceptions about sexuality; devaluation of the importance of monogamy; decreased satisfaction with partner’s sexual performance, affection, and appearance; doubts about the value of marriage; and decreased desire to have children. Later research studies further confirm their findings.

It’s important to note that some couples and even clinicians claim pornography consumed in a mutual, consensual, and open manner, can be an enriching aspect of marital intimacy. Although the material consumed is more likely to involve erotic content as opposed to hard-core pornography. Moreover, pornography consumed in a mutual way is inherently different than solitary pornography viewing because it is used as a bridge to become more closer and present with one’s partner, as opposed to a wall that cuts one’s partner off, draws sexual energy away from the marriage, and heightens distance between partners.

Zillman and Bryant’s 1988 study explored the relationship between pornography and personal happiness. The study involved the participants (both male and female) being exposed to either pornographic or innocuous, non-pornographic content in hourly sessions over six consecutive weeks. During the seventh week, participants were asked to rate their personal happiness regarding various domains of their life and relationships.

Results of the study showed that exposure to pornography negatively impacted self-assessment of sexual experience while some other aspects of life remained constant – namely professional satisfaction. Participants reported less satisfaction with their intimate partner, specifically with their partner’s affection, physical appearance, sexual curiosity, and sexual performance.

Additionally, participants exposed to the pornographic material assigned an increased importance to sexual relations without emotional involvement. Furthermore, and the most telling aspect of the research, all these effects were uniform across male and female participants. Meaning this is not only a male issue.

Pornography leads to an objectification rather than a meaningful interaction with another person. One woman from a study stated:

I am no longer a sexual person or partner to him, but a sexual object. He is not really with me, not really making love to me… He seems to be thinking about something else – likely those porn women… He is just using me as a warm body. ~ Bergner & Bridges

The use of pornography directly correlates to a decrease in sexual intimacy. Research also finds that its usage is viewed as a form of infidelity that reduces the exclusivity of the relationship. Online sexual activity is perceived by both men and women as an act of betrayal that is as authentic and real as offline acts, namely emotional infidelity.

So what does all this mean?

Pornography has a negative impact on you as a person – and on your relationships. It hurts the ones you love and it likely creates a wall between you, driving you apart rather than closer together.

*Manning, J. C. (2006) The impact of Internet pornography on marriage and the family: A review of the research. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity. 13, 131-165.
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Ask The Readers: What The Difference Between A Good Marriage And A Great Marriage?

Across the country and around the globe, there are bad marriages, good marriages, and even great marriages. The difference between bad and good is likely easy to spot, but what’s the difference between good and great?

That’s the focus of this week’s ask the reader:

What’s the difference between a good marriage and a great one?

Have a great 4th of July weekend!

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How To Self-Soothe Your Way To More In Marriage

To become acquainted with oneself is a terrible shock. ~ Carl Jung

Marriage, or any committed relationship, has the ability to bring excitement and passion into our lives. At the same time however, as the relationship progresses and more roadblocks and perpetual issues arise, we may begin to feel distant from our partner.

Think back to when you first began your current relationship.

It’s likely that you believed you had found the answer to life’s problems, you’d found a partner to share in life’s journey, you’d never again be alone, and it would be smooth sailing from here on out. It’s equally likely that if your relationship was based on these assumptions, it wasn’t long before you were sorely disappointed that your partner failed to live up to your expectations.

Here’s a truism for Simple Marriage: if you look to another person to provide fulfillment, you will begin to focus on the failings of that person as the cause of your own disappointment.

In every important relationship, you’ve brought your own legacy of fears, anxieties, and unresolved problems – so has your partner. As the relationship progresses, it’s often uncomfortable to come to terms with your own baggage. So much so, that when you’re unable to look within yourself, you’ll attribute the problems to your partner rather than accepting the fact that your partner is just being themselves and likely has the best of intentions.

Whenever you’re uncomfortable about something your partner says or does, it helps to realize that your discomfort may derive from a source you’ve yet to examine within yourself – a control issue, a jealousy, an insecurity or fear, etc.

This is part of your growing up – becoming emotionally mature. One key to emotional maturity involves the art of self-soothing.

When you blame your partner for your discomfort, this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. This distance then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The trick to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain.

Which in turn, can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship.

Here’s a few suggestions that will help:

  1. Don’t take your partner’s behavior personally. Even if your partner doesn’t make all the changes you’ve made, don’t take it personally. If you and your partner are having a conflict, try some inwardly focused relaxation techniques. Focus on your breathing. Stop talking and try to slow your heart rate. Lower the volume of your speech and work on relaxing your body. In other words, you take care of you.
  2. Keep the current conflict in perspective. Think about past instances of the same type of conflict. What resources did you use in the past for dealing with the conflict? Think about how discomfort will surface again in the future – and if you learn now how to deal with it, you will be better off in these future instances.
  3. Control your behavior, even if you can’t regulate your emotions. While you may have difficulty in controlling your emotions, especially in the face of a conflict, you can have control over your behavior. Prevent yourself from saying and doing things that you will regret later. Tell yourself: “I don’t have to take action on my feelings.”
  4. Stop the negative thinking. Thoughts drive your feelings and behavior. When you find yourself engaged in negative thinking, make the change to more positive thoughts. Accept what is happening – then calm down.
  5. You may have to break contact temporarily with your partner until things cool down. When you are engaged in a conflict, you may need some time to get in touch with your self again. Look on this as a time-out, not a separation. Tell your partner that you need some time alone to calm down and that you can discuss the issue better later, after both of you have had some space from each other.
  6. Self-soothing does not involve substance abuse, the abuse of food, or emotional regression. You need time to confront yourself and understand what your part in the conflict may be. This does not mean hiding out, sleeping, binge-eating, or the use of drugs or alcohol, which are all ways to avoid self-confrontation.

The ability to validate your own perceptions, feelings, and self-worth, and soothe your own heartache and anxiety when the inevitable marital disappointments, frustrations, and misunderstandings occur opens the door for the relationship, and both of you, to experience more. Your “relationship with yourself” determines how you’ll handle the good and bad times of life.

Paradoxically, the better you are at soothing and validating yourself, the less you need your partner to “be there” for you and the more you can “be there” for others. Likewise, you can let yourself be influenced by your partner, taking their needs and opinions into consideration without feeling like you’re weakening your own position or interests in the process.

Your ability to self-validate and self-soothe is absolutely vital to maintaining long term passion in marriage.

Adapted from David Schnarch, Ph.D.
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How To Keep Arguments From Escalating

As you go through life and learn the various tasks involved in growing up, perhaps one of the most anticipated task in life is learning to drive. Do you remember how much you looked forward to the freedom driving would afford you? I do.

While learning to drive, one important lesson you must learn is how to stop the car. It’s the first thing you’re taught. There are even cars you drive while learning that have an extra brake pedal on the passenger’s side. The reason – learning to apply the brakes is vitally important to all those in the car, and around the car.

Putting on the brakes is an important skill in marriage and relationships as well.

When your conversation starts off on the wrong foot or you find you’re both in a cycle of blame and defensiveness, you can often prevent a disaster if you know how to stop. Marriage researcher John Gottman calls these brakes – repair attempts. And they’re the secret weapon of happy couples.

Marriages that are built on and sustain a good marital friendship are not devoid of arguing and disagreements. In fact, 69% of the problems in marriage are perpetual. Repair attempts, when used well is the secret weapon that prevents quarrels from getting out of hand.

There are two key factors in determining whether repair attempts are successful:

  1. The current state of the relationship.
  2. The ability of the attempt to get through to your partner.

Let me give you an example. Bob and Susan are in a heated discussion about an upcoming family move. They see eye to eye on where they want to live, how to set up the house (mostly), and where to put the kids in school. They are drawing the battle lines over the set up of the family room. Susan thinks they should use their current TV and stereo system while Bob wants to jump at the chance of upgrading to the system he’s had his eye on for some time now. It’s not extravagant and they have the money from the sale of their current home. The more they talk, the louder it gets.

A passer-by, if they overheard the argument, may think they have no hope of a lasting marriage. Then all of the sudden, Susan puts her hands on her hips in perfect imitation of their 4 year old daughter, and proceeds to stick out her tongue. Since Bob knows she’s about to do this, he beats her to it by sticking out his tongue first. They both start laughing. This silliness defuses the tension between them.

Repair attempts are any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from spiraling out of control. When a couple has a solid foundation together and a good friendship with each other, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly receiving those sent their way. If a couple is negatively locked down with each other, even a blatant repair attempt of “Hey, I’m sorry” will have trouble getting through.

What determines the success of repair attempts is the strength of the marital friendship.

Everyone has room to grow and improve when it comes to strengthening the state of the marital friendship. This is not as easy as simply being “friendly” or “nice.” It involves your own personal growth and emotional maturity, as well as your spouse’s (although they’re responsible for themselves in this area).

You can begin by learning to recognize the repair attempts as they happen between you. Sometimes these attempts are missed because they don’t come sugarcoated. A heated “Why are you changing the subject” or “Can’t we discuss this later” is still a repair attempt and is often overlooked.

One of the best strategies to begin with is to make your attempts obvious and formal. Statements like “this is getting out of hand, can we discuss this later” or “can I take that last statement back, I’m sorry” can go a long way in smoothing the waters between you. You could even go as obvious as “Hey, what follows is a repair attempt.”

If you’re on the receiving end of a repair attempt, your job is to simply try and accept it. Confront you own anxieties and tension from the discussion and plan to come together to discuss more at a later time.

For more, check out How To Fight in Marriage and the idea of the physiological response to a perceived threat – Flooding. If you are currently in negative override, How to Say I’m Sorry will be worth the read again.

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Simple Marriage Audio Plus An Upcoming Challenge

For over a year now I have sought to publish an average of 3 posts each week written to assist you in experiencing more in marriage and life. Throughout our journey together I feel like I’ve really gotten to know several of you via your comments and emails.

I think it’s safe to say we’ve become friends, right?

Since we’re friends, I wanted to let you into my world a bit more. I want to lift the veil of the written word. From time to time I get opportunities to speak and teach. Recently I had the chance to speak at my home congregation on the topic of Love and Marriage. If you are interested, you can hear the audio by following this link. You can even download it and put it on your Ipod.

Second, if you’ve been hanging out around here for a while, you know there are several things involved in experiencing more out of marriage and life. Many times I’ve received emails and comments about taking things to the next level in your relationship.

Basically it’s readers like you asking for more. More detail, more connection, more ideas, etc.

I’m creating something just for this.

The 38 Day Build A Simple Marriage Challenge.

For 38 days there will be posts designed specifically to assist you and your spouse in amping up your marriage. While most of the articles at Simple Marriage already have this in mind, this will be a detailed, focused approach throughout the 38 days.

The coolest aspect of the 38 DBSMC is it will have two levels happening simultaneously.

Level one will be on Simple Marriage, with posts full of practical ideas, teaching that will help you implement the ideas and some steps to follow throughout the 38 day challenge. This level will be 100% free.

Level two will be a premium level – a comfortable place where you can hang out (virtually) with my wife and me and talk about this stuff – and more. Here you and your spouse will get additional information via video posts, podcasts, a forum for members only, plus a couple of teleconference calls with me and my wife (and possibly a couple of other “relationship-type-people”). Everything will be recorded so you’ll have access to all the information on your time schedule. At the end of the challenge, I’ll even bundle everything up in one package and send it to you so you can easily refer back to the information later.

The 38 DBSMC won’t happen until the fall, probably starting in late August or September – but hey, that’s only 2 months away! I’ll share more in the coming weeks. If there is something you’d like to see included in the premium area, send me an email or leave a comment with your suggestion.