Simple Marriage

Online Solutions:
Marriage help that works.
by

How does your view get in the way?

What's your view?Entering Panera the other morning I ran into one of the baristas outside taking a quick smoke break.

I’ve created a friendship with her over the course of my time there each morning.

As I walked up to her she stated, “I feel guilty about smoking, but it is just so hard to quit.”

I replied that if she keeps telling herself it’s hard to quit, it will be.

Let me explain.

The mind always believes what the mind tells itself is true.

Therefore, if her mind tells her that quitting is hard, it will be hard. And since her mind — like everyone’s mind — strives for consistency of belief and action, telling herself that quitting is hard means she won’t quit.

I also told her that a “belief” is just an “oft repeated thought”.

If the mind thinks something often enough or long enough — whether it is factually true or not — it will come to believe it’s true.

We “believe” many things that aren’t actually true, but since we have always thought them, we believe them, and act accordingly.

I continued my little mini pep talk with the following fact:

Nothing ever changes until we decide to get up today and do something different from the way we did it yesterday.

Most of us have good intentions to “someday” change something about our lives. But most people never change because they never get around to doing something different today from the way they did it yesterday.

I concluded our mini coaching session with the encouragement to think of stopping smoking as a “challenge” – not something that is hard.

Our brain can tackle a challenge, but it won’t volunteer to do things it believes to be “hard.”

She could even start with this: get up tomorrow with the commitment to smoke three less cigarettes than she smoked today.

She smiled and said, “This is good stuff. I wish I could post it on Twitter.”

So, here are your Twitter Truths:

  • The mind always believes what the mind tells itself is true.
  • The mind seeks consistency of thought and action.
  • A belief is nothing more than an oft repeated thought.
  • If you change how you think, you can change how you act.
  • If you want to change something, you have to do something different today from the way you did it yesterday.

How about you?

How is the way you view things getting in your way?

What is your brain telling you that you should change, but you believe it will be too hard?

What is one thing you could do different today from the way you did it yesterday that could take your life in a new direction?

In other words, where are you stuck right now?

If it’s your marriage or important relationship, I can help.

This summer my online course, Blow Up My Marriage, gets underway again. I have been teaching this class over two years and it has helped hundreds of people create better lives and relationships.

I only have one question:

Today, what are you going to do different from the way you did it yesterday?

See you in class.

(photo source)
Adapted from Robert Glover
by

5 Ways to Show Your Husband More Affection

holding-hands1

This is a guest post from Sara Stringer.

Men have long been known as the “unaffectionate” ones in a relationship. For whatever reason, men are known as having difficulties expressing their feelings and giving affection.

In today’s society, these gender lines are not so well-defined.

With gender lines blurring, sometimes it’s the woman who forgets the little gestures that keep her man going.

These are 5 ways to show your husband just how much you love him.

Just like women, men love to be doted on. They crave affection too. Try any, or all, of these affectionate suggestions to show your guy just how much you care for him. You may be surprised just how far these simple gestures can go in improving intimacy and your relationship as a whole.

1. Give Him a Playful Nudge

So what if you’re not fifteen anymore? You can still horse around and chances are high your man will love to see your playful side. When something is funny, lean in and give him a playful nudge. Keep eye contact, keep laughing, and keep nudging until he returns contact. Just make sure you’re gentle with that first shove. You don’t want to bruise his arm (or his ego).

2. Hold Hands

When you’re walking side-by-side with your husband, make a point to hold hands. Whether you’re walking barefoot in the sand or walking in canvas sneakers to the car, grab his hand and hold it tight. Once you’ve got his hand, try pulling it to your lips and placing a gentle kiss where your fingers meet. Holding hands is a progressive gesture, so don’t be afraid to pull his arm over your shoulders, moving from just hand holding to a tight embrace.

3. Touch His Face

While maintaining eye-contact, gently touch your man’s cheek. This romantic gesture will make him feel attractive, loved, and appreciated. It’s simple, but it works. You can gently run your fingers through his hair, before sliding them down the side of his face. It’s almost guaranteed this gesture will end with him kissing you, but if he misses the hint, don’t be afraid to be the one to lean in.

4. Rub His Back

Nothing says, “I appreciate you,” like a firm backrub. If he’s a dad, you may want to get a book on massage, as it should contain some ideas for Father’s day backrubs. Dads deserve a break and a massage is the perfect way to thank him for all the good he does, plus it’s an excuse to get his shirt off. When it’s not a special occasion, simply rubbing your fingers down his spine is a great way to be affectionate.

5. Cuddle Often

Cuddling is very romantic. With hectic schedules, cuddling is sometimes overlooked. Because it promotes the chemical oxytocin, cuddling is therapeutic and a stress reliever. Cuddling is mutually affectionate, so practice it often to relieve stress and even improve communication. While cuddling, you’re non-verbally expressing love and understanding. Cuddling also makes couples feel sexy and promotes bonding. This simple gesture can lead to a more enriching relationship, so why not try it tonight?

Sara is a freelance writer who most enjoys blogging about lifestyle, relationships, and life as a woman. In her spare time, she enjoys soaking up the sunshine with her husband and two kids.

by

Create More Intimacy In Your Marriage

intimacyOne of the major things marriage can provide is the intimate connection you can create with another person.

It’s part of marriage’s elegant design.

You and your spouse can create an entire part of life that only the two of you know about.

Yet, this intimate connection is also a source of major frustration.

One of the hurdles to creating a close intimate connection with your spouse is an unrealistic togetherness expectation.

Stated another way, this is idealized or fantasy togetherness.

In my mind – expectations are really planned disappointments.

So what expectations did you bring into your marriage?

You and I both have them.

Here’s a list of common ones:

1. You want a relationship with your spouse that is

  • just like the family you grew up in (denying the reality of weaknesses in your family of origin)
  • or nothing like the family you grew up in (denying the reality of strengths in your family of origin)

2. You want your spouse to make up for the damage you experienced in your family of origin either

  • by providing what you did not get
    - acceptance, validation, approval, security etc. OR
  • by accepting your extremes (clinging or distancing) without requiring you to mature

3. You want to feel loved, accepted, and appreciated for your uniqueness and you expect to feel safe and cherished

  • Romantic love should make everything right with the world
  • If he/she truly loved me, he/she would understand my needs and wants and know what to say or do to meet my needs and wants

4. My spouse wants the same things from our relationship that I want, so if I give him/her what I want, he/she will give it back to me

  • A “GIVE TO GET” relationship

Answer this: How often do you give up or rearrange yourself for the sake of connection and/or intimacy?

A far too common belief about intimacy is an expectation of trust and reciprocal disclosure as a requirement for deeper levels of intimacy.

It would sound something like this: “I’ll tell you about me, but only if you tell me about you. If you don’t, I won’t either. But I want to, so you have to. I’ll go first and then you are obligated to disclose too: it is only fair. Before I go first, you have to make me feel secure because I need to be able to trust you.”

Does safety (i.e. trust) as a requirement for intimacy, foster true self-disclosure? Or does it foster self-presentation?

What’s the difference you ask?

Self disclosure is exactly what is sounds like – a revealing of yourself, be it thoughts, beliefs, ideas, reactions – in the presence of another person. But true self disclosure also involves a bit more. It involves a willingness to reveal myself to another AND take responsibility for myself in relationship with them.

Tell me if this sounds like self disclosure:

I feel abandoned when you tell me you’re going to do something with your friends and I’m not invited to join.

On the surface this sounds like self disclosure – but it’s not. This is more like a manipulation than a disclosure. I’ll tell you about my abandoned feelings in hopes that you’ll change so I don’t feel abandoned.

True self disclosure would go more like:

When you tell me you’re going to do something with your friends and not me I feel scared because I don’t feel good enough about myself nor do I feel strong enough within myself to be alright without you. Consequently, I want to respond to my fear by controlling you and forcing you to stay and do things with me whether you want to or not, so I don’t have to deal with my fears and own inadequacies.

Is self disclosure safe within any relationship?

That’s not a guarantee beforehand. What’s revealed could be used against you. But self disclosure presents the opportunity to get to know yourself in the presence of your spouse.

Self presentation, on the other hand, is the portrayal of what you think your partner wants to encounter, or what you think the situation calls for – it’s not a revealing of yourself.

Many people state they’re interested in intimate relationships or that they want more intimacy in their marriage – here’s a few things to know about intimacy and intimacy expectations:

  • Intimacy is just as likely to be disconcerting and uncomfortable as it is to be warm and fuzzy.
  • Obsession with intimacy leads to less satisfying relationships
  • People who pursue only intimate relationships limit the pleasure and freedom of less demanding relationships
  • Seeking understanding is often a demand for your partner to understand you the way you understand yourself
    -  “Accept me the way that I am”
    -  Asking your spouse for validation of your inaccurate self-portrait
    -  Demanding that your spouse understand what you yourself haven’t figured out about you

Many times the complaint about lack of intimacy is actually the inability to tolerate the intense awareness of self and/or other.

When your spouse tells you that they have no interest in travel, knowing full well that you love to travel, what happens to you? Do you feel rejected and unloved? Do you appreciate your spouse’s willingness to tell you who he/she is, whether you like it or not? Do you immediately plan to give up travel . . . or get a new spouse?

What about a third option – you can accept that your spouse is not you, and you can both love your spouse, and love to travel.

Marriage presents countless opportunities for self disclosure due to the differences between you and your mate. But a truly intimate relationship only occurs when you show up  - as the real you.

It’s a leap of faith, yes, but it’s the only pathway to true intimacy.

by

Too Busy For Marriage?

Meet the All-American family: a house in the suburbs, nice cars, 2.5 kids, both parents working, kids on a team for soccer, baseball, dance, quite a bit of debt on credit cards, a mortgage, and routine, vanilla sex once a week (usually).

Or put another way, schedules run the show.

Perhaps you don’t consider yourself the All-American family. Okay.

How do you usually answer this question: “So, how are things?”

My guess is the simple reply … “busy.”

If your schedule is jammed packed and runs the show, have you ever stopped and wondered if you’re too busy for your marriage?

If your answer is yes, why do you suppose we allow ourselves to stay so busy?

I’ve seen many couples in my counseling practice who claim that their marriage is a priority but their actions display anything but.

Truth is:

We make time for the important things in our life.

I play basketball at lunch time several times a week. I have for years. It’s tough to take that time out of the middle of the day, but I find a way to make it happen. Golf may be the thing you find time for. Or trips to the bar. Guys weekends. Hunting. Whatever it is, if it’s important enough to us, we find a way to make it happen.

So the question to hit you right between the eyes…

Where does your marriage fit on your list of importance?

If you’re like I was, my wife went up and down my life importance list. When I was interested in sex, she would climb the ladder of importance. After that need was met, she would fall down the list again. When I was down about something, I would seek her out in order for her to help me feel better. Once my mood was propped up, I was off to my own agenda again.

If you desire a marriage that is fully alive, it requires you to be honest with yourself and be more present and involved in the important aspects of your life.

Making time for your spouse will require you both to face the issues that get the in way of the time together.

It very well could be that you both stay busy in order to save the marriage. Your busyness keeps you together, because if you slowed down and spent time together, the issues, resentments, disappointments, frustrations, etc. would come front and center.

If you discover this is the case in your marriage, seek professional help. I’ve even created a guide to help in choosing the right counselor. At the very least, be honest with yourself, and then your spouse.

If marriage is important to you, show it in your actions.

Learn to say no to other schedule filling items in order to be together.

Do less.

Limit your kids to one activity a week.

Have a regular date night.

Making time for marriage requires more from each spouse. But the beautiful thing is, you are both capable of giving more to the marriage. And in return, you experience more in the marriage.

(photo source)
by

7 Benefits to a Road Trip Date

Road Trip Date

Post written by dates and romance columnist Sean Marshall of Family Rocketship.

There’s just something magic about going on a road trip with your spouse.

The combination of being together, going somewhere cool, and miles of open road is exciting.

For this reason, road trips make one of the best kinds of dates. In fact, here are seven reasons why.

#1 – Get Out of the House

First and foremost, a road trip changes up the routine and gets you out of the house. But it’s not like simply going to a dinner and a movie.

It’s taking off on an adventure together. A road trip combines anticipation, adventure, and exploration all at once.

#2 – Time Alone in the Car

Getting in the car and cruising the open road means a lot of time together. What does this mean?

It’s time to communicate of course! This is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. Now you have literally hours of uninterrupted alone time to talk.

You can talk about the good stuff, the funny stuff, and maybe even the challenges you’re having.

I’ve found my wife and I will share experiences from our past that we didn’t know about each other before. Usually they turn about to be funny stories.

#3 – Crank the Tunes

In addition to quality conversation, good music enhances any road trip. When you crank the tunes, you let your guard down.

Even if you’re not so great at singing, you can let it rip when you’re alone with your loved one.

It’s even fun to introduce each other to new music or take turns playing your favorite songs.

#4 – Work Together

Sometimes the open road throws some challenges your way. Traffic jams, accidents, even getting lost.

It’s these times where you can really grow closer together by overcoming the challenge at hand.

One time while traveling in Paris, my wife and I got lost. We had to really work together to figure out the map.

I learned quickly that my wife was much more patient and was able to calm me down. In the end, we made it to our destination just fine through working together.

#5 – Discover Something New Together

The open road holds the keys to discovery.

Maybe it’s an old diner off the side of the road. Maybe it’s a beautiful lookout. Maybe it’s just a nice meadow perfect for making out.

You never know what might be just over the hill. In my experience, you can often find a cool new “favorite place” that you have to go to when passing through the area again.

#6 – Create Memories

When was the last time you took a picture of your night out to the movies? It’s probably never happened.

A good road trip however is full of memory making. There are new places to see, new foods to eat, new people to meet, and more.

By just plain moving and seeing something new (made easy by a car) you’re able to experience new things together and this guarantees lasting memories.

#7 – Come Home Closer

After a long road trip, nothing beats coming home.

What’s great about a road trip as a date is that it helps you come home having experienced more together.

You’ll have grown together. You’ll be closer. You’ll be more in love.

And this is the point of it all. Isn’t it?

What experiences have you had road tripping with your loved one?

by

Lighter Side: More Activity

More activity