The following is the first chapter of a “How To” guide I’ve created on the topic of oral sex in marriage. This guide is included in Sex Like You’re On Vacation.
To be clear from the beginning, the ability to experience great sex is not discovered by following a step by step process.
If this were indeed the case then the magazines found in grocery store check out lines that share the latest tips to “go wild in bed” or “what every man really wants” would be the last magazine sold because everyone could simply follow the steps and have great sex.
No. Sex is more than technique. It’s more than an act.
It’s also more than intercourse.
Sex has its own elegance within marriage. Marital sex – the most important and only appropriate type, in my view – is powerful, chaotic, and wild. Sex is filled with spiritual and emotional energy. It’s the union of two beings and is referred in the Bible as “knowing” each other. “And Adam KNEW Eve his wife,” Genesis 4:1.
All this is to say that this little handbook is not intended to produce great sexual experiences in your marriage. Great sexual experiences are the result of couples learning how to truly LIVE in richer, more transparent, more thoughtful, passionate, playful and intentional ways.
What will follow is intended to educate you on the basics of sexual activities.
If your upbringing was anything like mine (raised in a conservative, fundamental Christian home) then your sex education was largely an unspoken expectation of “don’t do it until you are married.” So if you go through your adolescence with this looming expectation and guilt, then you say “I do” and the whole sexual world is supposed to be open to you, how do you discover all that this part of your marriage has to offer?
For most people, you discover a routine that works to get the job done, then you follow it to the letter every time (okay, with one or two variations). There’s little to no novelty, eroticism, playfulness, and intrigue.
I took my first course in human sexuality at the age of 32 – and I was shocked at how much I did not know about sex! Sex education was not part of my high school education, and the information that is given in today’s typical junior high or high school class is just a step above no information. The information given in most of today’s churches and families is even less than no information since it is often surrounded with guilt and shame.
Pam and I celebrated our 18th anniversary last year, and as part of our night out, we discussed the things we would do differently and the same if we could do them over. One of the things we both wish would have happened sooner was my taking the sexuality courses in school. Armed with good, accurate information, our sex life reached a new level.
This handbook will provide you with quality, accurate information without the soft porn pictures used to sale secular works and none of the guilt typically associated with religious works on this topic.
But let me state again, focus on learning a technique or following specific tips during a sexual experience is not a path to great sex in and of itself. Solely focusing on “how can I have great sex?” misses the delicious journey of a much larger and more extravagant living within a marriage fully alive. Growing up in marriage requires more maturity and a realization that a full marital relationship is not primarily about getting each other off or getting off with each other – a full marital relationship is a learning to love each other well, both in and out of the bedroom. Great sex is a by-product of a great relationship with your mate.
Now … let’s get down to business (pun intended).
There has been quite a bit of debate in Christian circles over the appropriateness of oral sex. I’d like to point out the obvious, the Bible is not a manual on sexual technique (or even marriage, counseling, mental health, job searching, etc.) – it’s the story of God’s love and relationship with His children.
Saying this means that I don’t think that Scriptures attempt to outline any specific sexual practices. Specifically, the Song of Solomon is a poetic love song that embraces the joy of sexual play. And the Song of Solomon poetically suggests that the lovers engaged in this experience as they tasted one another’s juices as part of their lovemaking while also graphically describing their delight in one another’s body (Song of Songs 2:3; 4:16; 8:2). It appears the man and the woman knew what they enjoyed about themselves and their lover.
Plus, I can’t imagine God looking down upon the first couple to attempt oral sex and saying, “Oh my Self. I had no idea they’d try that!”
So if Scripture doesn’t prohibit oral sex, the addition of this act to your marital relationship rests solely on your comfort level, both with yourself and your spouse. It is extremely important that you talk with your spouse about this experience.
Ultimately, you are your spouse’s greatest teacher when it comes to your body.
So why am I writing this handbook? Because there is a large void of blunt and honest information on the subject. And what information there is on oral sex is soft porn (perhaps even hardcore), misguided, inappropriate, and in some cases, flat out wrong.
Why add this to your lovemaking?
It is well known that oral sex is pleasurable for a man. But less well known, and definitely less discussed, is the fact that oral sex on a woman (called cunnilingus) is equally, if not more pleasurable. You read that right. The amount of pleasure experienced by a woman while receiving oral sex is far greater than the pleasure a man experiences while receiving oral sex.
How can that be, you ask?
The long and the short of it is … the clitoris.
An amazing amount of nerve endings are packed into the tip of the clitoris, approximately 8,000 to be exact, which is twice the amount found in the entire penis. The clitoris also is an organ designed solely for pleasure. It serves no other purpose.
Something else you probably did not learn in Sex Ed, the clitoris is actually, on average, about nine inches long. You only see roughly a tenth of it as the rest of it is nestled inside the woman’s body. The tip (the most pleasurable part) sticks out of the woman’s body and is protected by the clitoral hood (more in this in a bit). Much like an iceburg, there’s a lot more under the surface with only the tip available to the, er, um, naked eye. The remaining nine-tenths stretch back into the shape of a wishbone inside the pelvis.
Sexual intercourse largely misses the clitoris entirely and almost every woman needs to have their clitoris stimulated to reach orgasm. This is why only 1/4 to 1/3 of women can achieve orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse alone.
To really pleasure your wife, you’re going to have to get your hands, and your mouth and tongue, involved.
Oral sex on a woman provides her the opportunity to be the center of attention. Direct stimulation of the vulva, specifically the clitoris, will most likely produce more intense, longer lasting, and more powerful orgasms for her.
For today’s woman, being the center of attention for a while provides her a mini-vacation from her world of responsibilities, schedules, deadlines, and nagging to-do lists.
There are a couple of different research studies on this experience. One such study surveyed 98 married women and reported that 82% of these women ranking cunnilingus as the most enjoyable and gratifying sexual act. Sixty-eight percent of the women reported intercourse was very pleasurable, but the women only experienced an orgasm 25% of the time.
In layman’s terms, out of every four times these women engaged in intercourse, only once did they reach orgasm. However, during oral sex, the same group of women reported reaching orgasm 81% of the time. Kinsey and Masters and Johnson have found similar results in their research: only 7.7% of women did not reach an orgasm if their husbands spent more than 21 minutes engaging in foreplay and oral sex.
Okay, so the point has been made, correct?
Oral sex is a great form of sex for a woman.
Whether you decide to go down on her before you enter her or choose to surprise her by making cunnilingus the main event for the evening, rest assured that the time spent focusing on her can strengthen your bond and relationship.
EDITOR’S NOTE: You can get this guide (as well as the companion guide By Her For Him, and more by joining Sex Like You’re On Vacation. Join before Christmas and save 45%.