There’s a low desire spouse and a high desire spouse when it comes to sex. And, there’s one of each in every marriage.
There’s also a low desire spouse and a high desire spouse on every issue and decision in marriage. One of you wants to do something the other doesn’t, or wants to less than you. And even if you both want the same thing, one of you will want it more than the other.
Plus, no one is the low desire, or high desire on everything. Positions shift on different issues throughout the marriage.
The most common reaction to desire differences is to believe there’s something wrong … either with yourself, your spouse, the relationship, or all the above.
Perhaps this thought helps, things going wrong and things not going the way you want are two different things.
Second, if there’s nothing going wrong, it’s more likely you can turn things around and make them more to your liking.
Fact is, desire differences are going to happen – and the positions you take (low or high) are simply points on a continuum.
There will be a high desire spouse and there will be a low desire spouse.
While neither the high or low desire position is right or wrong, one thing will be true … the low desire spouse controls sex. And this is true whether the low desire spouse wants to, or likes it, or not.
Here’s how this works:
- The high desire spouse makes most, if not all, of the overtures and initiations for sex.
- The low desire spouse decides which of the sexual overtures he or she will respond to.
- Which determines when sex happens. Giving the low desire spouse de facto control of sex – whether he or she wants it or not.
The key is – how you experience this, and handle this, will say a lot about you regardless whether you’re the high or the low desire spouse.
So what do you do with this?
Let’s explore this in a slightly different way:
How does sex happen in your marriage?
Who initiates? And don’t say both of you. One of you does the bulk of initiating.
How do you initiate sex?
It’s logical that the high desire spouse will carry a majority of the initiation burden. After all, they’re the high desire spouse.
Understanding how sex is initiated between you will open the doors to a better sex life.
Assume you are the high desire spouse and you handle the bulk of the initiations. One complaint you may have is you wish your spouse would initiate more often. Of course, this is assuming you’re married to someone who enjoys sex with you. You may be a bad lover, if so, that’s a different issue.
So assuming they’re into the idea of sex with you:
What if your spouse actually is initiating more than you think?
What if you’re missing their signals because you’re looking for how you go about initiating sex or how you think they should initiate?
Let’s say what you really want is for your wife to take you by the hand and lead you to the bedroom, stripping you along the way.
BUT, what if your wife is completely interested in having sex and the way she signals you is by obviously leaning over if front of you while wearing something low cut? Or she brushes by you as you pass in the hall?
Both are initiations – right?
And when you think about it, both are pretty clear signals.
Another thing to keep in mind is in every sexual encounter together, someone has to take the lead. Granted, the lead can be fought for or passed back and forth, but someone leads.
So what if your spouse is actually initiating sex more than you notice, but their initiations are more about getting the process rolling rather than throwing you down when you walk in the door?
It could be that they are bringing up the idea (a lot more than you notice), then handing the reins over to you to lead the rest of the way.
Does this thought change anything?
Try letting go of your preconceived ideas of initiation and see if in fact they’re already communicating an interest. If so, you’re well on your way to more sex.
Interested in upping the ante in your sex life? Sex On Sundays is enrolling now!