There are countless articles and websites filled with information on how to overcome sexual issues. There are techniques, tips and advice to be found from all manner of sources.
So what is it about sex that we struggle with so much?
And why does it always seem as if everyone else is having better sex?
The truth is, they’re probably not. They’re likely grappling with the same sexual issues as you.
Those who are truly experiencing better sex are typically further along in years, or further along in their relationship.
So take heart. Relax. There’s plenty of time to get there. But sexual satisfaction won’t happen by chance. There’s work to be done.
It’s amazing to me that sex can create such incredible emotional connections and orgasmic ecstasy, while at the same time it can just as easily create profound isolation, loneliness and shame.
It all boils down to this: sex is much more than an act. It’s a metaphor. How you do sex says a lot about how you do life, and how you do life says a lot about how you do sex.
I’m going to address the fellas in this post, so heads up.
Many married men timidly approach sex with their wives. From initiation to the actual sex act, men often fall victim to the “do what worked last time” philosophy.
They look and hope for ways to have sex with their wives without bringing up the subject, or they go through their day trying not to upset her out of fear she won’t want to have sex later. The problem with this is that they’re not really taking charge of their life, or of their relationship.
Let’s start with what turns a woman on. Ironically, when it comes to what turns a woman on, it’s the opposite of what most men think. The biggest mistake men make is in believing that women like the same things they do. Sorry fellas, but reaching over in the morning and grabbing a breast—while it may be a fairly clear signal to you—is usually not a way to ignite her passion; nor is it foreplay.
How a woman feels when she is with a man is the primary factor in whether or not she experiences attraction and sexual desire. And what she wants to feel is trust.
For the majority of women: trust = lust. If your wife seems to have lost interest in having sex with you, my guess is that you haven’t given her a reason to trust you, or that you’ve killed whatever trust she once had.
So how do you develop and maintain a high degree of trust in marriage? Basically, through your strength, your presence, your confidence and your integrity.
- Your strength. There’s a reason males are considered the stronger of the two genders. A man is often expected to provide protection, support and physical power. He’s expected to work hard, sweat, do the heavy lifting and to stick to it when times get tough. Play to these masculine strengths.
- Your presence. Your wife’s willingness to have sex is deeply dependent upon this. If you are 100 percent present when you are with her (even if your time together is limited), she will be satisfied. On a side note, I believe that 100 percent of your sexual energy should be focused within the relationship. Spending any percentage of it elsewhere leads down the slippery slope to breaking your partner’s trust.
- Your confidence. Because women are by nature security-seeking creatures, a man’s confidence can be a major turn-on. When a man approaches a woman with confidence, she experiences the same chemical reaction in her brain (a release of both dopamine and norepinephrine) that a man experiences when a woman lifts up her shirt and shows him her breasts. And by “confidence,” I don’t mean “machismo.” I’m referring to the type of man who knows who he is (and who he isn’t). At the other end of the spectrum, men who are anxious, passive and eager to please exude anything but confidence. Looking for a surefire way to kill the passion in your marriage? Become the passive, conflict-avoiding, eager-to-please nice guy who only wants to make his wife “happy.”
- Your integrity. The ability to consistently act with integrity is crucial in maintaining a deep sexual bond with your wife. This means that you always tell the truth, keep your word, follow through and have good boundaries.
Bonus point: 5. Have a plan. This isn’t about controlling a woman; it’s about giving her a choice. One of the worst things you can do is come home in the evening and ask, “What do you want to do tonight?” Instead, walk in the door and say, “Be dressed and ready to go to dinner by 7.” Give her the option of either following your lead or proposing an alternative. Don’t leave everything up to her. This same principle applies to the bedroom as well.
As a man, when you are present and share your mind, heart, humor, intellect, imagination, words, strength and even your dark side with your wife, you open her up to the fullness of your being. As she joins you in this state of openness, and opens herself up to you, she will take you places you can’t take yourself.