Beyond Nice People Sex

This is a follow up to last week’s post on Nice People sex as well as a bonus Pre-Sex Week post.

Sex is powerful, chaotic, and wild. Full of all types of energy – spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical. Every person who ventures into the world of sex does so with some level of anxiousness, nervousness, excitement, and perhaps even fear.

Because of the power surrounding sex, people will try to keep the chaos and anxieties at a tolerable level. This explains the routine that overtakes our sex life. Look at it this way, when it comes to sex there are things that you are uncomfortable doing or trying, at the same time, there are things your partner is uncomfortable trying or doing – so you do whatever is left over.

I doubt you entered into your relationship with this as your plan. No one does.

You meet someone through a potent alchemy of attraction. Filled with energy and endless possibilities of hope, life beyond the mundane and a glimpse into a world of passion and excitement. Love captures you and you feel powerful. You long for the times together. You cherish every moment, touch, glance, look. But underneath it all, you’re scared.

The more you become attached, the more you have to lose. So you set out to make love more secure. You look for ways to harness the energy and power. Commitments to each other, habits, rituals, and routine each provide a bit of reassurance. But this comes at a price.

The excitement early in relationships is bound to a certain measure of insecurity. By harnessing the uncertainty and spontaneity, you wind up draining the vitality out of the relationship.

You like the comfort, but miss the freedom. The routine serves a purpose but you miss the spontaneity. In your attempt to control the risks of passion, you tame it out of existence.

Enter – marital boredom.

Long term relationships tend to favor the predictable over the unpredictable. The problem is, eroticism thrives on the unpredictable.

Passion in relationships is commensurate with the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate.

So how do you move beyond sex that is nice and into something more?

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. ~ Marcel Proust

To me this begins and ends with growing up.

I’ve written on this idea many, many times. In fact, it’s the main belief of Simple Marriage.

The more you grow, the more you recognize the fact that you and your partner are separate beings. Each capable of your own hopes and dreams and desires AND still capable of choosing each other. The separateness is key – eroticism can only exist in the space between self and the other.

Perhaps an answer to my question – What would happen if two full grown, fully alive sexual beings hooked up? – would be this:

  1. Approach my spouse as if she were the most adventurous, passionate, open-minded woman in the world. When I assume less than this, I preempt the possibilities of our relationship.
  2. It’s her job to say no to anything she is not interested in trying or doing. It’s my job to speak up and express my desires.
  3. Don’t take things personally. If she says no to sex on the roof tonight, don’t take it personally and refer back to number 1 again.

Great sex happens when two people come together, take responsibility for themselves and seek their own desires and passions. This puts you in a position to embrace the cosmic forces surrounding sex with less fear and trepidation, which is when the sex gets really good.

Incidentally, this same approach can be adapted to life as well.

Source Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity

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