Simple Marriage

As parents, we’ve been told to focus on the positive.

Yet there are some days as a step-mom when I feel this practice is an illusion. Instead of smiles, I’m met with bad attitudes, teens who don’t want to help and suddenly every interaction feels like a battle.

Negativity spreads like a common cold, first to me, and then my reactions sour, spreading further to affect Mr. Right and even my writing.  The dog is barking to be let out and suddenly, we’re yelling for no reason, irritated and stuck in a negative rut. On those days, I swear the dog’s passive gaze means he’s thinking we’re all crazy.

Focusing on the positive had gone to the dogs in our house, but I knew the routine of us being more negative to each other than nice had to change.

Solution: Inspire Kindness

True kindness isn’t something you can demand from your kids, but I’ve discovered you can definitely foster it.

As a test, I created a system that was easy to use, yet specific enough to turn our hearts toward the sun. I told the kids my idea and placed our new Kindness Jar in the center of the kitchen table.

Kindness Jar supplies

• Quart-size jar
• Pen
• Colored index cards or paper cut into piece

How it works

Each person is assigned a color. When you “catch” someone being kind, you write the details on their-color ticket and drop it in the jar. This creates a nice visual for the family. Here are a few of our nominations:

• Washed dog dish.
• Brought me a cup of coffee.
• Stuck up for brother at a football game.
• Shared your chocolate.

Instructions (I pasted these to the outside of the jar)

• Nominate family members for being kind (can’t nominate self).
• Be kind! (But don’t ask others to nominate you.)

Rewarding kindness

Choose a reward that fits your budget and kids’ personalities. With two teenagers who love eating junk food, 10 kindness tickets equals a trip to Taco Bell, their favorite place to eat.

• Tip: If you have younger children, consider this Good Deed Jar method.

The true rewards

At first, my husband and I were the only ones filling out tickets – but then something amazing happened. I began to notice tickets in the jar the kids had written for each other, or even for us. As “lame” as my idea may have seemed at first, I couldn’t help but note the glowing look on their faces when I’d proclaim, “I’m filling out a ticket for that!” Everyone was feeling more appreciated and loved.

A week went by. I saw the kids help each other, willingly, but they never once asked the other to fill out a ticket. My requests for help were getting a better response, too.

I noticed a change in myself. Instead of feeling annoyed when one of the kids left a mess, I began to enjoy helping them with things. I haven’t taken over all of their chores, but focusing on kindness has definitely inspired a new way of thinking. I’m more mindful of their feelings and how they may need my help. Some of their moods are not so black and white – sometimes, my kids just need a break, like all of us.

The real reward of our experiment isn’t earning a trip out to eat. Rather, it’s that we’ve come to believe the mantra:

Kindness is its own reward.

How do you inspire your family to focus on the positive?

(photo source)

Nine years ago, I never expected to fall in love with a man with kids.

That’s why I told my friend, “I couldn’t date him. He has kids.”

I was young and free, and didn’t know what being a blended family would be like. Fast forward to now in our sixth year of marriage: there are days I feel blessed to be in a ready-made family … and days I find it disheartening. Instead of throwing in the towel at every bump in the road, I try to focus on what I can control (me!), how I can help, and how Mr. Right and I can improve our marriage and family.

Maybe you entered into a new marriage with high expectations, only to find out that real-life relationships are a bit more complex. Maybe you’re a new step mom wondering if the highs and lows of parenting are normal. Today, I want to share some tips that will help you stay realistic within a blended family:

Don’t expect your blended family to feel like a nuclear family. You have a different set of challenges to deal with. It’s normal to gaze with wistful eyes toward parents who’ve never raised kids with emotional scars from divorce; who’ve never had to communicate with The Ex; who’ve never had to answer to a kid who screams, “I want to live with my mom!” That family not your family. In time, you can adopt a mindset where that is okay.

Fact: Stepchildren will never treat you the same as their biological parents. They can love you endlessly and appreciate you, but you are in a different role. Sometimes, this can be an even bigger role than a bio parent, but you should be prepared that the kids will treat you in a different way.

Don’t expect perfection. Harness the power of compassion and give everyone time to grow. You are all starting over – starting fresh – and there will be growing pains.

Don’t compare yourself to The Ex. You are both unique individuals with different life experiences. Your children will be lucky to have the love and wisdom all parents can offer.

Remember to communicate openly and honestly. As your step kids grow older, they will ask questions about the divorce and custody and child support. I definitely don’t think kids need to know everything about their parents’ problems – but I also believe trying to shield them from reality can make them more confused. Kids are very intuitive. Depending on their maturity level, it may be possible to talk openly about sensitive issues. (Tip: Stick to the facts and leave your emotions out of the discussion.) Use your best judgment here.

Don’t do it alone. Reach out to a counselor and other blended families for support and guidance as your family is forming.

Don’t burn out. Continue to do things you love. When times are tough, take time out to rejuvenate – have lunch with a friend, plan a date night, exercise, eat right and get enough sleep.

Don’t expect a fast fix. Psychologists say it takes four to eight years for a remarried family to “gel” and feel like a family. Remember to:

Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering. – Ida Scott Taylor

How do you stay grounded through the ups and downs in your family?

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We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. -Epictetus

Good communication is a challenge for every family.

For those dealing with blended family issues, communication is even more vital. Children are usually living in multiple households and relationships between exes sometimes sour. What’s the best way to communicate in situations like those?

Here are some tips to help open the lines of communication with the ex, your new spouse and your step children.

With the ex

Put aside your differences for the kids’ sake. Divorce is incredibly heartbreaking and emotional. Many people don’t have a good relationship with their ex and find their parenting styles are very different.

If you find it impossible to talk on the phone without fighting, try texting or emailing. Keep messages simple to avoid emotional entanglement. No matter how difficult or “bad” you think your spouse is, that person plays an important role in your children’s life. Your kids will be happier if everyone communicates and stays on the same page.

Don’t use kids as messengers. They have no business discussing issues like placement, child support or parenting styles with either parent. Work mightily to keep them out of the middle.

With each other

Discuss your parenting styles (but not in front of the kids). Talk about how you’ll handle the children’s discipline, privileges and expectations around the house. If there are areas you disagree, work them out in advance so the kids aren’t confused later on.

Use written communication. Write notes on a dry erase board and send each other text messages to keep the parenting team well-informed.

Steal 15 minutes each day to talk. The chaos of family life can feel like a whirlwind. Touch base with each other every day to avoid miscommunication. This is especially helpful when one parent spends more time at home with the kids than the other.

With the step children

Demonstrate good communication habits yourself. When they talk, listen. Look them in the eye. If there is an important issue to discuss, turn off distractions like the TV or computer.

Repeat important requests or feelings back to them. This gives you both a chance to be sure you completely understand what was said.

Don’t force communication in the heat of the moment. Wait until after the storm has passed to address a concern. If you are arguing, ask for a break until things calm down. Go outside or to your own rooms. You don’t have to solve every problem as soon as it arises. Catch your breath, first.

Write a letter. When parents talk, kids get bored. If you have something on your heart about a misunderstanding or difficult issue, write your stepchild a letter. I’ve used this method to define my role with my step daughter during a difficult time we were having. The letter was much more well-received than a talk would have been. Be honest, kind and keep it simple.

Subtly get their attention. Something as simple as placing your hand on their shoulder or elbow when you have something important to say can help them focus on the message.

Good communication is one key to happiness within a blended family. No one likes to be left in the dark when it comes to their children or family life. Strive to communicate with an open mind, open ears and love in your heart, always.

How do you communicate within your blended family?

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I definitely didn’t know what I was signing up for when I married Mr. Right.

I thought I was more than ready to become step mom to his two children. I already liked them, and they liked me back. The idea seemed easy enough.

* * *

Five years later, I know being a parent is the hardest job in the world, one you don’t fully experience as the girlfriend. When a reader asked me to share some advice for step-mom-to-bes, I wondered, “Why didn’t I do that?” Kudos to her for asking!

If you are marrying a man with kids, here are some things to consider:

Seek expert counsel. Make a list of people who are in your support network and turn to them when problems arise. I’ve told Mr. Right’s mom our marriage wouldn’t be possible without her, and I mean it. The role of mother can be shared between you, grandparents, aunts, etc.

Be aware that your step children may need counseling down the road to deal with issues of divorce or losing a parent. Don’t wait. I’ve found therapy is helpful for the whole family.

Make your marriage a priority. Schedule a weekly date night, even if that means time together at home after the kids go to bed. Connect with each other everyday. Talk alone for fifteen minutes. Keep it simple.

Take care of yourself. Workout, eat right and get enough sleep. Parenting is a tremendous challenge. You’ll want to be healthy for it.

Tell your stepchildren they are important to you. Ignore the pressure you may feel to love them as your own children, because that may not be possible. Focus on the fact that they are important to you. Their Dad is one of the most important people in your life, and his children are important to him. Reaffirm their importance verbally and tell them they have a valued place in your life.

Recognize your step kids’ strengths. Compliment them on the things they are good at and focus on what’s special about them. Don’t always dwell on the negative.

Keep your husband in the loop with how you are feeling. Don’t let resentment or exhaustion come between your commitment to each other and your family. If you need extra help around the house, speak up. If you need a break, speak up. He will be able to help make these things happen.

Don’t feel bad for expecting your spouse to parent his children. Your step children need their father more than they need you. Encourage his role in their life, especially in the areas of discipline and dealing with tough issues.

Promote one-on-one time. Make it possible for your spouse to spend one-on-one time with his children. Sometimes Dads need help thinking of ideas, or he may need you to babysit the other children. As they grow up, your step children might feel they are competing with you for their Dad’s attention. Be aware of these feelings and help him put their fears to rest.

Remember: Your role matters. Maybe the kids will never call you Mom or confide in you or respect what you have done for them until they are older. Those things aren’t important, but your role is. I believe that if you are trying to be a good parent, you are doing a good job. (People don’t say that enough!)

Five years. That’s how long it takes the average blended family takes to acclimate to one another.

Now. The moment you are in today. You won’t be perfect. Your step children will act out and say horrible things and make mistakes. You will, too. The road ahead will be both joyful and sad, but there is now, this moment as a new bride and step mom, and it’s worth savoring.

What advice would you add for new step moms?

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