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5 Ways to Show Your Husband More Affection

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This is a guest post from Sara Stringer.

Men have long been known as the “unaffectionate” ones in a relationship. For whatever reason, men are known as having difficulties expressing their feelings and giving affection.

In today’s society, these gender lines are not so well-defined.

With gender lines blurring, sometimes it’s the woman who forgets the little gestures that keep her man going.

These are 5 ways to show your husband just how much you love him.

Just like women, men love to be doted on. They crave affection too. Try any, or all, of these affectionate suggestions to show your guy just how much you care for him. You may be surprised just how far these simple gestures can go in improving intimacy and your relationship as a whole.

1. Give Him a Playful Nudge

So what if you’re not fifteen anymore? You can still horse around and chances are high your man will love to see your playful side. When something is funny, lean in and give him a playful nudge. Keep eye contact, keep laughing, and keep nudging until he returns contact. Just make sure you’re gentle with that first shove. You don’t want to bruise his arm (or his ego).

2. Hold Hands

When you’re walking side-by-side with your husband, make a point to hold hands. Whether you’re walking barefoot in the sand or walking in canvas sneakers to the car, grab his hand and hold it tight. Once you’ve got his hand, try pulling it to your lips and placing a gentle kiss where your fingers meet. Holding hands is a progressive gesture, so don’t be afraid to pull his arm over your shoulders, moving from just hand holding to a tight embrace.

3. Touch His Face

While maintaining eye-contact, gently touch your man’s cheek. This romantic gesture will make him feel attractive, loved, and appreciated. It’s simple, but it works. You can gently run your fingers through his hair, before sliding them down the side of his face. It’s almost guaranteed this gesture will end with him kissing you, but if he misses the hint, don’t be afraid to be the one to lean in.

4. Rub His Back

Nothing says, “I appreciate you,” like a firm backrub. If he’s a dad, you may want to get a book on massage, as it should contain some ideas for Father’s day backrubs. Dads deserve a break and a massage is the perfect way to thank him for all the good he does, plus it’s an excuse to get his shirt off. When it’s not a special occasion, simply rubbing your fingers down his spine is a great way to be affectionate.

5. Cuddle Often

Cuddling is very romantic. With hectic schedules, cuddling is sometimes overlooked. Because it promotes the chemical oxytocin, cuddling is therapeutic and a stress reliever. Cuddling is mutually affectionate, so practice it often to relieve stress and even improve communication. While cuddling, you’re non-verbally expressing love and understanding. Cuddling also makes couples feel sexy and promotes bonding. This simple gesture can lead to a more enriching relationship, so why not try it tonight?

Sara is a freelance writer who most enjoys blogging about lifestyle, relationships, and life as a woman. In her spare time, she enjoys soaking up the sunshine with her husband and two kids.

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Lead, Follow, Love and Cherish

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This is a guest post from Courtney Carver of Be More with Less.

I met my husband almost 14 years ago.

One of our first dates was a hike. A sweaty, buggy, dirty, oxygen depriving hike. I wasn’t a hiker before I met him, but now we have hiked hundreds of miles together.

I followed him into hiking, and hiking led us to beautiful views, challenging rock scrambles, stronger legs and time in the woods with nothing to do but talk.

When I found out he was a skier, I took a lesson. It had been more than a decade since I was on skis. I wasn’t a skier when I met him, but now we have skied crusty New England slopes and deep Utah powder.

He was a stronger skier, but after one lesson, I followed him back onto the slopes and skiing led us into Tuckerman’s Ravine in the White Mountains, sunny afternoon aprés ski parties and evenings curled up by fire.

We fell in love hiking and skiing.

When I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2006, he followed me in and out of doctor’s appointments and medical tests. He followed me, held me, comforted me and reminded me that while I had the disease, we were in this together.

Soon, he followed me into vegetarianism and yoga. Asanas and veggie burgers led us to an even healthier lifestyle, better sleep and more compassion.

He didn’t follow me when I started juicing my vegetables and I didn’t follow him when he started riding his bike hundreds of miles, but for the most part we have been leading and following each other since we met.

We’ve trusted each other enough to say yes when we were scared, and to dive into uncertainty together.

We’ve been leading and following each other in and out of love, trouble, friendship, and travel. We’ve been leading and following for better and for worse, for richer and poorer and, in sickness and in health.

I am so grateful that we’ve led and followed each other into a better life. This practice let us naturally care less about who was right or wrong, leading or following, and opened our hearts to fully love and cherish.

Read more from Courtney at Be More with Less and connect with her on Twitter or Facebook.

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The 1% Experience

This is a guest post from Todd Sellick of A Private Affair.

If on your wedding day someone challenged you to “give a full 1% of your time each week” to each other, to just be together, peacefully sifting through the bits and pieces of your lives; giving space for your love to recover, heal, discover and grow… how do you think you’d respond?

“1%?  Scheesh… that’s nothing! We’ll be giving a lot more than that!”

More precisely, that’s 1 hour & 40 minutes & 48 seconds per week. Heck. Round it off to 1.5 hours, or  0.89%.

“Sweetheart… can I have 0.89% of your undivided and undistracted time this week? Please?”

On the face of it, this does not seem an unreasonable request. But how many of us enjoy this real living together as a couple, for this 1% of our week?

One recent survey suggested that 16% of couples manage a weekly date night, but I suspect this is often a movie or some other kind of entertainment not geared toward the quiet interest and seduction I’m suggesting.

Westerners have forgotten the present. Bit by bit they have whittled it down to nothing, and to retrieve it, they must undergo a genuine re-education. ~ Jean-Louis Servan-Schreiber

Let’s think on this for just a moment …

If you are reading this post in the early part of your day, then ask yourself, what real living am I hoping and planning to fully enjoy today?

Blaise Pascal mused (400 years ago) that most of us spend our energies planning to fully live and to be happy sometime in the (hopefully) not-too-distant future. “It is inevitable” he writes, “that we shall never be happy, as we are always planning on a time which we rarely reach,” … that of really living with each other, in the present.

If you are reading this post toward the end of your day, then perhaps ask, with some reflection, what real living did I fully enjoy today?

Pascal suggested that our lives are full of tasks and distractions which stop us getting to the good bits! The day runs out before we get to the living. Even more sobering, our lives may run out as well. Someone suggested that the main disease of old age is regret. “I just didn’t quite get to the things that I really wanted to do. Perhaps to the loving I really wanted to experience and offer and enjoy.”

We may need help.

I’m going to suggest that nothing breaks into this madness better than sitting idly with your lover, “practicing the presence” of each other. I urge my clients to “just show up” in each other’s lives without much fuss. Think of how easily, happily and perhaps even deliriously we did this in the early moments of our falling in love together. Suddenly it was 3 a.m. Timeless, wonderful, so good.

Think about your spouse right now. Is this your experience these days?

I know, the naysayers will cry “life changes!” Kids, work, aging, bills, driving, more work, resentments, and that awful “creeping separateness” which leaves us, perhaps not as enemies, but maybe as foreigners!

Ok then. How about this. 1% of your lives in some sort of dreamy, healing, restoring and enlivening bliss. You can keep on as usual in the other 99%.

I’m going to suggest that this 1% experience will have a striking impact on the other 99% of your life. It can also be addicting. My wife and I started with 1%, but I shamefully confess that recently, this has gotten out of hand, and we are sometimes checking out for up to 2.5% of our week!

These days this always takes the form of coffee out together. These are not times of intense discussion or problem-solving. No attempt is made to create some sort of deep encounter. For the most part, we commit to put everything else aside, to just be together; quiet, lazy, open.

We are nearly always tempted to shelve the “1% experience” as it seems a bit of a waste of time.

So far, we have never been disappointed.

Practicing the presence of each other can almost be done in silence, and perhaps sometimes should be. Words are so often used to push each other about as we try to negotiate a better deal for ourselves. (In therapy I often encourage couples to make love, to go for a long walk, and to enjoy an entire meal, all in complete silence. The results are sometimes quite fantastic!)

At the end of my work-week, the last thing I do before leaving is to water the plants (currently five) in my office. It takes me just 2-3 minutes. I do not have degree in botany or plant sciences, and forget how photosynthesis really works, and yet, the plants are thriving and regularly need re-potting. Amazing.

The “1% Experience” is just the same. Water your relationship for a few minutes each week and it will thrive (as opposed to just “getting along ok”); if you don’t water it, it will die.  It really will. Basic science.

Keep in mind that this “lazily being together” is much easier to agree upon and to look forward to, than a time that we might be setting aside to “deal with issues.” (Ugg!) It should look great in a movie; the couple lingering quietly over a few cups of java, together watching life go by, musing over a few random thoughts and observations, and “letting their minds leak” out in bits and pieces.

If this never becomes part of our lives, I know we will regret this deeply.

If possible, see if you can agree upon a time that might work for you each week.  i.e. – when the kids are in the pool, or at lessons, or a regular drop-off at friends or the grandparents. (Some of my clients have made a deal with friends; you take our kids this Tuesday night, we’ll take yours next week. Friends with friends. We all get our 1%. Win-win across the board; affordable, regular, easy).

When we meet again each week for our 1% (watering the plant so to speak), we often refer to it as once again “picking up the threads” of our relationship, or the ongoing conversation of this elegant relationship. Almost any thought will do, and we’re away.

Think about it. When you first fell in love, as you were arranging to get together, you neither worried about what you might talk about, or even if you’d talk much. The being together was the imperative; delicious, necessary, and sometimes timeless.  “Look! It’s almost 3:00 a.m. again!” Practicing the presence of each other.

Here’s an easy and revealing possibility for your next time together (join the “1% Experience” club):  Begin to talk through these two questions together…

What are the things that fill my life, that for me … just aren’t the really living parts! The tasks, the details, the responsibilities, etc. that keep surfacing moment by moment throughout my days; the things that never seem to get done?

What are (dreaming a bit) the “really living” things I’d love to enjoy with you WAY more? The things that may have got marginalized, the things that perhaps once filled our relationship and living together, the things I’d like to bring back?

One of the things just might be this … sitting here with you, over a cup of coffee, smiling thankfully at each other with, “…now where were we?!”

Pick up the watering can. Go wild!

1%

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it! ~ Goethe (1749-1832)

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What’s the Point of a Relationship?

Guest post from Mika Maddela of The Path to Passion.

SLAM!

There goes the door after another one of “those” fights and your spouse storms out of the room.

You’re all alone and that all-consuming, nearly deafening silence engulfs the room.

The tears you held back during your fight, finally start rolling down your cheeks…

You sit there sobbing and wondering how your relationship got to this point.

What happened to those happy days from the beginning of the relationship? Why is it so hard to get along with someone who used to look at you with adoring eyes?

What’s the point of being with someone (much less get married) if the relationship eventually fizzles out and you’re left with the tattered remains of a once thriving relationship?

Have you ever wondered what the purpose of being in a relationship or being married really is?

If you’ve somehow found yourself sharing a life with someone else, ask yourself what the main motivation behind that is.

  • Is it for happiness?
  • Is it for commitment?
  • Is it for sex?
  • Is it for children?
  • Is it to avoid being lonely?

When I’ve polled readers, these sorts of results are definitely not uncommon. The big problem, though, is that these are very shaky ground to build a relationship or a marriage on.

If things get difficult (which they inevitably do), you probably won’t be happy all the time about your relationship. Yet if happiness is the reason for the relationship in the first place, then what’s to stop you from walking out the door?

If your partner cheats, has an emotional affair, or is otherwise having doubts about the relationship, you probably won’t feel the security of commitment. If having your partner commit to you is the central reason for your marriage, then why bother sticking around?

What if your partner’s sex drive changes, they become depressed, or they lose the ability to perform? If sex is the cornerstone of your relationship, you are in for some difficult times.

Children are a gift, but they eventually grow up and start lives of their own. If the foundation of your marriage is for children, what’s going to fill that void once they move out and become independent? Or what if you or your partner are not able to have children at all?

And no one wants to be lonely. However, if your entire relationship is based around avoiding this feeling, clinging to someone else for fear of spending time alone with yourself, then what happens when you or your partner have to go out of town for a long period of time on business, are deployed for military service, or even become depressed and aren’t available to connect with you?

So What Would a Better Choice Be?

The problem with the examples I listed above is that these are all very conditional reasons to have a relationship, and they all involve relying on something outside of your control.

  • Someone else constantly making you happy.
  • Someone else committing to you for eternity.
  • Someone else being sexually available to you when you want them.
  • Someone else creating and raising new life with you.
  • Someone else “completing” you, making you feel whole, and making sure you never feel lonely again.

Unfortunately, we can’t always rely on things outside of our control being there for us. That may sound jaded or cynical, but it’s true because when it comes down to it, the only person you have full control over is yourself.

You can possibly influence your partner but you have no control over their own emotions and vice versa.

If your relationship is based on something you cannot control or take personal responsibility for, then it should come as no surprise when your marriage seems to be hanging on for dear life at the whims of fate and circumstance.

Building a Better Foundation Together

What if the purpose of your relationship was something unconditional and something that you could take responsibility for?

What if the purpose of your relationship or marriage was something more like:

  • Personal development
  • Enjoying the adventure of life together
  • Spiritual growth
  • Practicing unwavering commitment to another person

Notice how each one of these reasons for a relationship or marriage is something that you can take ownership and responsibility for in both good times and bad times.

Personal development is a continuous challenge to make ourselves better, and what better way than to have your edges and limits tested and examined through the lens of a relationship with someone else?

Enjoying the adventure of life together is something you can do through both the good times and the bad times. You can chose to share your life with someone else whether you are ecstatic and riding high, or grieving together.

Spiritual growth is a way of testing our faith. We can show gratitude for our blessings or stay strong and devoted through the difficult times. This is something that is absolutely within our individual power.

And practicing commitment to another person is something that can pull us through the challenging times of doubt, frustration, or disappointment rather than hitting the eject button at the first signs of trouble.

When things like these are at the core of your relationship, they will steer you away from the pain of giving up too soon or making the wrong choice. These kinds of motivations will help steer you and your partner in a direction of growth, commitment, and deepened connection.

What’s the point of your marriage or relationship?

If you’re not sure, maybe this would be a good time to take a closer look.

Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Mika Maddela writes for the relationship advice blog called The Path to Passion where she helps people dissolve limiting beliefs and be loved for the unique person they are. She loves meeting new people, so stop by and say hello.

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4 Important Characteristics About Love

Guest post written by Mariana Ashley of online colleges.

In the 1950s, social psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm wrote a groundbreaking book, The Art of Loving: An Enquiry into the Nature of Love.

This book presents a refreshingly non-Disney theory about this thing we call love.

Unlike most self-help books, The Art of Loving does not presume to have any straightforward answers about your own relationships. Instead, it discusses love philosophically such that you can take from the book what you find most helpful.

Here are a few ideas from this work that changed the way I relate to other people, in particular my family and spouse.

1. Mature love is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality.

There’s a difference between superficial love and mature love. Mature love does not lose itself in another person, but rather fuses with another person while still maintaining a sense of individuality. When a couple is so engrossed in each other that they do not strive to improve themselves, but are only obsessed with serving or dominating their partner, this is dependence, and not love.

In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one yet remain two.

2. Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love.

One of the most important points that Fromm makes about love is that true, mature love is one in which the loved person is not possessed. If you truly love your partner (or child or friend), then you sincerely wish for them what they want for themselves - whether it’s a better job, an advanced degree, or a desire to pursue a new hobby. A good relationship is therefore one in which each partner takes an active interest in learning about each other as individuals and talking to them about their future goals and desires.

3. If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too; if he can only love others, he cannot love at all.

When we talk about love, we often talk about giving up and sacrificing. However, Fromm notes that true, mature love can only come from a loving orientation that does not distinguish between self and others. That is to say, you must work on a healthy, loving relationship to self before you can find within yourself the power to love others.

4. To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.

Perhaps the most important lesson about love from Fromm’s book is that true, mature love is, the type of love that lasts. This is not the popularly conceived “falling in love” but rather it’s a “standing in love.” If we conceive of love as not a feeling but rather an action, then we can actually focus on improving the way we love others – and the way we love ourselves.

Mariana Ashley is a freelance writer who particularly enjoys writing about online colleges.

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The Art of Gift Giving

Post written by Gal Josefsberg of Equally Happy.

What is a gift?

Webster’s defines a gift as:

1 : a notable capacity, talent, or endowment
2 : something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation
3 : the act, right, or power of giving

Let’s focus on the second definition. This is the one we use when we talk about presents, birthdays, Xmas and so on.

We buy gifts for mother’s day, father’s day, anniversaries and Valentine’s day. In fact, it seems like gift giving has become a major part of our lives, especially within a marriage.

I’m told I should buy her a tennis bracelet for mother’s day (she doesn’t even play tennis), a new Lexus for Xmas (she’d kill me if I spent that much of our money without telling her) or sexy lingerie for Valentine’s day (which is probably more a gift for me than for her). Everywhere I turn I see advertisements for what I should buy my wife and when, but with all this noise I think we’ve lost track of what gift giving is truly about.

So let’s take gifts back. Let’s reclaim them from Hallmark and Lexus and bring them back to what they really used to be.

Gifts can truly be a wonderful thing that builds memories and a strong relationship.

First, No Obligations

When you give a present, do you expect something in return? Are you giving these roses because you want forgiveness? Are you giving this box of chocolates because you want sex? Are you giving this iPad because you want a gift of equal value in return?

If so, you’ve left the realm of gift giving and entered the realm of economic exchange.

You’re saying “I will give you this if you give me that”. You may not be saying it in those words but you may as well be.

Please note that I’m not saying this behavior is wrong, only that it doesn’t qualify as gift giving. Mutually beneficial exchanges are a strong part of every relationship but I urge you to be honest about what you want and when you want it.

A present doesn’t carry any obligations with it. A present doesn’t put the receiver in debt to you. It doesn’t make the receiver feel like they owe you anything and it shouldn’t be given with the thought of “I’m giving this because I expect something in return.”

Give gifts freely, not because you feel obliged or because you want the other person to feel obligated in return.

Second, Want

A gift should be something the other person wants.

And when I say wants, I really mean that.

Something you think the other person should want doesn’t count.

Something you want the other person to use doesn’t count.

You cannot force your preferences on your spouse or they’ll resent you for it. Not sure what I mean? Let me give you a few examples.

A woman will buy her husband an item of clothing because she thinks he’ll look great in it. However, he didn’t really need that item, nor does he want it. Result? He’s forced to lie to her about liking this present, he’ll wear it once, resent it and never wear it again. She’ll be annoyed with him for not telling her the truth initially, even though he saw no way to do so without hurting her and off we go into a horrible argument.

A man buys his wife a present of some exercise equipment that he thinks she could really benefit from. His wife gets annoyed. Is he implying that she needs exercise? He gets defensive, she gets even more hurt and again, off we go into a horrible argument.

What do both of these examples have in common? In both cases the spouse bought a gift that they wanted their partner to have, not a gift that their partner wanted. In other words, they’re trying to force their preferences on their partner.

But how do we figure out what they really want?

All it takes is listening.

My wife told me she feels cold when she exits the pool after swimming laps. Perhaps I should buy her a warm, plush towel or a swim parka. I told my wife in passing how much I enjoyed working on the fence with her dad. So she went out and bought me a beginner’s book about wood working. See how that works?

Pay attention to what they say especially when they’re describing a problem they’re facing or something they wish they could do. Now think of presents that could help them solve the problem or perform the activity they described. If you listen to your partner you’re going to get dozens of these gift ideas every month, more than enough for every occasion.

Finally, Meaning and Memories

The best presents are the ones that have meaning and memories associated with them. In other words, they’re not just things that you gave one another, they’re also special because of something you did or said. They may even remind your partner of a special time or event.

You can accomplish meaning in one of two ways.

First, you can try to buy a gift that’s already associated with a memorable event. For example, my wife and I honeymooned in Croatia. Perhaps I can buy her a Croatian piece of art for her birthday? Or maybe I can get a framed picture of us on the Croatian Island of Hvar?

If I want something a bit more casual, I can buy some of the Croatian cheese we really enjoyed on our trip. All of these presents are strongly associated with a really fun and meaningful time and she’ll be reminded of that time when she sees them.

However, I can’t always buy her Croatian knick knacks and she does want that swim jacket… So how can I take mundane things and make them meaningful?

Easy, I can figure out a way to personalize either the gift giving or the gift.

For example, I can have a cute little “In case I’m not around to keep you warm” embroidered on the inside of the jacket. Alternatively, I can surprise her by waiting on the side of the pool, jacket in hand for her to come out. Either way, that jacket just became associated with more than just keeping warm after swimming. Now it’s associated with how much I love her.

Bottom line, ignore all the TV commercials and remember the following:

  • Give because you want to give, not because you want something in return
  • Listen to what they’re saying and give them something they want, not something you want them to have
  • Make it meaningful by buying something already associated with a good memory, personalizing the present or by creating a good memory when you give the gift

If you follow those three guidelines, you’re going to do just fine.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find a website that sells Croatian cheeses…

Gal Josefsberg is a blogger, author, dog owner, husband and entrepreneur. He blogs about personal fitness at 60 in 3, self improvement at Equally Happy and he recently launched a website dedicated to helping men and women find good present ideas for each other called Diamonds or Dogs. He’s not a professional anything, nor does he wish to be.

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