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35 things you probably don’t know about me

This weekend I’m celebrating 42 years on this earth by camping with some friends.

Birthdays are time to reflect and celebrate life and work and family and love.

In honor of this occasion, I’ve updated an old post to share some things about me that perhaps you didn’t know.

1. My children are my heroes. I want to live with abandon and have an imagination like they do.

2. I was born in Texas, and have lived in Texas for most of my life – but don’t consider myself a Texan … even though it’s a cool state. Go figure.

3. I don’t really have a favorite sports team but I love sports.

4. In high school I used to wonder what it would look like to dip my finger in liquid nitrogen and shatter it on the table while in science class. Is that weird?

5. Turning 39 sucked, even though I thought I would be cool with it. My 40s thus far have been great.

6. One of my favorite movies is Under Siege. I’ve seen it far too many times. I hate to admit it, but I like Stephen Seagal in that movie.

7. I’d love to learn another language.

8. I’d also love to spend some extended time in Italy.

9. My sarcasm and humor gets me in trouble sometimes. Especially when I write up something I think is funny and post it on SM.

10. I’m jealous of musicians and artists. Especially the ones who can sit at the piano and play anything just by hearing it.

11. I have only a hand-full of really close friends. I do have a lot of people I consider friends though.

12. I’ve played basketball with the same group of guys for 16 years now.

13. My wife and I met when we were 13 and 15 (in the church youth group). We “dated” for 10 months before I broke up with her for no reason at all. I told her I didn’t want to date anyone for a while, then began dating another girl in the youth group a week later … not my finest hour, I know.

14. I watched Survivor for  4 years without missing an episode (thanks to them being online). I even sucked my wife into the vortex for a while.

15. From the first time my kids sat up on their own I’ve had an urge to tackle them.

16. Counting this past election, I’ve only voted 5 times in my life. Pretty lame.

17. I truly love that SM readers trust me enough to email me or comment about their struggles or share their life. One of my greatest joys is being able to offer some sort of help or insight that improves the quality of relationships for others.

18. I paid a bartender to write a paper for me in High School – once again, brilliant, I know. I scored a 50 out of 100 on it. Serves me right.

19. Being a waiter while in High School and College was one of my favorite jobs.

20. Most of the time, “organized church” drives me crazy. Too much time spent trying to play nice and not upset anyone rather than serving and helping people.

21. If I could eat burgers and fries every day – I would. I love a good, greasy burger.

22. I love to snow ski. Learned to ski when I was 6.

23. After I earned my Ph.D. I felt weird any time someone called me doctor.

24. In elementary school, I popped my friend’s tires on his new bike because he wouldn’t let me ride it. Once caught, I blamed it on a different friend. We both got in trouble – he actually had nothing to do with it yet was grounded longer than me. I sucked as a friend then; and still feel bad about that at times.

25. I didn’t like reading until 11 years ago. I hated it actually and couldn’t read more than a couple of pages before falling asleep. Now I read a couple of books a month.

26. I got a “B” in my last class in the doctorate program. It was the only one I got, and it was an independent study class.

27. I’m grateful every day for the love of a good woman.

28. I can’t stand bananas. I think this is because my mom made too many banana and peanut butter concoctions when I was a child.

29. I have a tattoo. I wished my wife would have got one as well, although I don’t know why I wanted her to.

30. My daughter is just like me. I love this and it scares me.

31. I love building legos with my son. But it’s hard to keep up with his imagination.

32. Gina and I almost canceled Sexy Marriage Radio less than a year in to the show. So glad that didn’t happen.

33. I’ve been going to the same Panera almost every morning for 6 years. So long in fact, that I even bring in my own coffee some times.

34. I have a great date night planned for my wife to celebrate our 20th anniversary at the end of May.

35. I’d love to travel the country in a RV and meet Simple Marriage readers. I’ll even buy the coffee.

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The Intentional Married Life

Many of us are asleep at the wheel. We follow routine and schedules and patterns we’ve created and refined over the years.

We are going through the motions, doing things in life and relationship with little forethought.

Contrast this with the idea of an intentional life: everything is done with consciousness, fulfilling a core value (compassion, love, serving, to name a few).

It’s true that many things we do have some sort of intent — I wash the dishes because I don’t want a messy house; I drive my kids to school because they need to learn. But after repeating these actions every day, the intent kind of fades into the background so we are barely aware of them. We’ve figured out the intent long ago so there’s little need to think about it anymore.

What if that changed?

What if you became very aware of your intention for your actions?

How would that transform the action, and your life, and your marriage?

What if next time you wash the dishes, first say you’re doing this as a service to your family, to make their life a little better, and as a form of meditation for yourself? This would be practicing mindfulness. And doing the dishes would suddenly take on a different importance, and would cease to be boring.

The difference is intention.

What if driving to work was done after mentally declaring an intention to help others at work, to do a good job today, to find satisfaction through work? The drive may be much happier, and you might be less likely to get irate if someone cuts you off in traffic.

This is the intentional life.

I’m working to practice this in bits and pieces — not all the time, but increasingly.

When I do it, my life is different. More purposeful, more consciously lived, more content with my actions.

A simple practice of intentionality: before you do the next action online or at work, pause a moment, close your eyes, and mentally state your intention.

  • Why are you doing this?
  • Is it out of compassion for others, or yourself?
  • Is it to make someone happier?
  • To improve the world?
  • Out of gratitude for the work and kindness of others?

Then, as you do the action, keep mindful of your intention.

This is a small step, but in those few moments, you’ll be living an intentional life.

This idea also works when it comes to interactions with your spouse and family. Imagine how much deeper connection you’ll experience when you live the intentional married life?

Taken and adapted from Leo of Zen Habits
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What’s my next step?

I regularly receive emails from awesome Simple Marriage readers like this:

Thanks for all that you do to help marriages. I’ve been struggling with my relationship for the past XX years. I just recently discovered your material and become a regular listener of Sexy Marriage Radio.

I also plan to read some of the material you regularly reference, like Schnarch, Gottman, Glover, and Eldredge.

(Insert brief description of history of marital struggles here.)

We tried counseling (or I went on my own because my spouse wasn’t interested) but this resulted in little, if any improvement. I am looking for what my next step should be, or where I should begin.

Thank you for you support of marriages and your help.

Signed,
A Simple Marriage Reader

I’m honored that Simple Marriage has become a trusted resource for marriage help. And I love that many readers regularly stop by to glean information that helps improve (or provide hope for) their relationships.

In order to help you navigate everything Simple Marriage has to offer better, what follows is a guide to help you with your next step forward.

Let’s begin with material that’s free then work our way through everything else.

Blog posts

Simple Marriage began in 2008, so to date there are more than 800 posts. If you don’t want to scroll through each page to find material on a certain topic, then you can check out the Archives or, better yet, use the search bar in the sidebar and find exactly what you’re looking for.

Free Marriage Courses

Let’s say you’re interested in reading information that will help your marriage but you want it only about a certain topic. No worries. You can simply sign up for a free marriage course that comes via email every other day. The topics we have covered thus far include Simplicity, Nice Guy/Nice Girl, Marital Communication, Sex, Desire Differences, and Family Life and Parenting.

Sexy Marriage Radio

Gina Parris and I host a weekly radio show that covers everything about married sex – the good, the bad, and even the ugly. New shows come out every Wednesday so you can listen to us discuss ways to heat up your sex life. We’re straight-froward, honest, practical, and will cover any issue and aspect of what can be the greatest (and most frustrating) aspect of married life.

Manifestos

Throughout the course of Simple Marriage, I’ve written two different manifestos that describe in more detail our view on marriage.

  1. A Simple Marriage Manifesto What marriage is really all about.
  2. The Three-Way Marriage A Christian perspective about marriage’s design.

The Simple Marriage Store

Practical resources that will help your relationship. You can pick up Dr. Allan’s books or listen to casual conversations about issues you face in marriage – point is there are resources you can buy that help.

Simple Marriage University

Over the past couple of years we’ve create several online courses you can take from the comfort of your own home.

Blow Up My Marriage, our flagship course, offers a radically different way to view relationships and then walks with you as you create something better. The course (most popular option) is offered three times per year, but if you missed an enrollment window you can take the instant option and begin right away.

Sex On Sundays is our course that breaks down the dynamics of sex and helps you live more from the best in yourself – thus increasing the likelihood that sex will begin to be better for both of you. There’s a course for Him, a course for Her, and the companion Ours course coming soon.

He Said, She Said is all about marital communication. One of the most frustrating aspects of married life are the times when you feel you simply can’t communicate. In this course you’ll discover that in fact you’re communicating fine, just you don’t like the message. He Said, She Said will help you learn to handle the message.

Marriage Sparks are our mini-courses that will jumpstart an area of your marriage. Decision making, time, sex, and expectations are just a couple of the sparks we’ve covered thus far.

Virtually Betrayed is the next resource coming down the road. There are many marriages wounded and feeling betrayed due to pornography and/or emotional affairs. Virtually Betrayed will help both spouses heal and create a better path forward, together.

Work with Dr. Allan

Not only do I see clients regularly in my office in the suburbs of North Dallas, I also work with people from all over the world. I have several different packages to choose from so we can not only work together to make changes and improvements in your relationships – but work to make sure they last.

Simple Marriage Getaway

If you’re associated with a group, church or community that wants to offer a great resource for marriages in your area, you can bring Dr. Allan in to host a Getaway. This is not your typical marriage retreat … it truly is a getaway. Great information, laughter, relaxation, and fun.

Simple Marriage is 5 years old, and I feel like we’ve only scratched the surface.

Here’s to all that’s to come!

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How does your view get in the way?

What's your view?Entering Panera the other morning I ran into one of the baristas outside taking a quick smoke break.

I’ve created a friendship with her over the course of my time there each morning.

As I walked up to her she stated, “I feel guilty about smoking, but it is just so hard to quit.”

I replied that if she keeps telling herself it’s hard to quit, it will be.

Let me explain.

The mind always believes what the mind tells itself is true.

Therefore, if her mind tells her that quitting is hard, it will be hard. And since her mind — like everyone’s mind — strives for consistency of belief and action, telling herself that quitting is hard means she won’t quit.

I also told her that a “belief” is just an “oft repeated thought”.

If the mind thinks something often enough or long enough — whether it is factually true or not — it will come to believe it’s true.

We “believe” many things that aren’t actually true, but since we have always thought them, we believe them, and act accordingly.

I continued my little mini pep talk with the following fact:

Nothing ever changes until we decide to get up today and do something different from the way we did it yesterday.

Most of us have good intentions to “someday” change something about our lives. But most people never change because they never get around to doing something different today from the way they did it yesterday.

I concluded our mini coaching session with the encouragement to think of stopping smoking as a “challenge” – not something that is hard.

Our brain can tackle a challenge, but it won’t volunteer to do things it believes to be “hard.”

She could even start with this: get up tomorrow with the commitment to smoke three less cigarettes than she smoked today.

She smiled and said, “This is good stuff. I wish I could post it on Twitter.”

So, here are your Twitter Truths:

  • The mind always believes what the mind tells itself is true.
  • The mind seeks consistency of thought and action.
  • A belief is nothing more than an oft repeated thought.
  • If you change how you think, you can change how you act.
  • If you want to change something, you have to do something different today from the way you did it yesterday.

How about you?

How is the way you view things getting in your way?

What is your brain telling you that you should change, but you believe it will be too hard?

What is one thing you could do different today from the way you did it yesterday that could take your life in a new direction?

In other words, where are you stuck right now?

If it’s your marriage or important relationship, I can help.

This summer my online course, Blow Up My Marriage, gets underway again. I have been teaching this class over two years and it has helped hundreds of people create better lives and relationships.

I only have one question:

Today, what are you going to do different from the way you did it yesterday?

See you in class.

(photo source)
Adapted from Robert Glover
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Create More Intimacy In Your Marriage

intimacyOne of the major things marriage can provide is the intimate connection you can create with another person.

It’s part of marriage’s elegant design.

You and your spouse can create an entire part of life that only the two of you know about.

Yet, this intimate connection is also a source of major frustration.

One of the hurdles to creating a close intimate connection with your spouse is an unrealistic togetherness expectation.

Stated another way, this is idealized or fantasy togetherness.

In my mind – expectations are really planned disappointments.

So what expectations did you bring into your marriage?

You and I both have them.

Here’s a list of common ones:

1. You want a relationship with your spouse that is

  • just like the family you grew up in (denying the reality of weaknesses in your family of origin)
  • or nothing like the family you grew up in (denying the reality of strengths in your family of origin)

2. You want your spouse to make up for the damage you experienced in your family of origin either

  • by providing what you did not get
    - acceptance, validation, approval, security etc. OR
  • by accepting your extremes (clinging or distancing) without requiring you to mature

3. You want to feel loved, accepted, and appreciated for your uniqueness and you expect to feel safe and cherished

  • Romantic love should make everything right with the world
  • If he/she truly loved me, he/she would understand my needs and wants and know what to say or do to meet my needs and wants

4. My spouse wants the same things from our relationship that I want, so if I give him/her what I want, he/she will give it back to me

  • A “GIVE TO GET” relationship

Answer this: How often do you give up or rearrange yourself for the sake of connection and/or intimacy?

A far too common belief about intimacy is an expectation of trust and reciprocal disclosure as a requirement for deeper levels of intimacy.

It would sound something like this: “I’ll tell you about me, but only if you tell me about you. If you don’t, I won’t either. But I want to, so you have to. I’ll go first and then you are obligated to disclose too: it is only fair. Before I go first, you have to make me feel secure because I need to be able to trust you.”

Does safety (i.e. trust) as a requirement for intimacy, foster true self-disclosure? Or does it foster self-presentation?

What’s the difference you ask?

Self disclosure is exactly what is sounds like – a revealing of yourself, be it thoughts, beliefs, ideas, reactions – in the presence of another person. But true self disclosure also involves a bit more. It involves a willingness to reveal myself to another AND take responsibility for myself in relationship with them.

Tell me if this sounds like self disclosure:

I feel abandoned when you tell me you’re going to do something with your friends and I’m not invited to join.

On the surface this sounds like self disclosure – but it’s not. This is more like a manipulation than a disclosure. I’ll tell you about my abandoned feelings in hopes that you’ll change so I don’t feel abandoned.

True self disclosure would go more like:

When you tell me you’re going to do something with your friends and not me I feel scared because I don’t feel good enough about myself nor do I feel strong enough within myself to be alright without you. Consequently, I want to respond to my fear by controlling you and forcing you to stay and do things with me whether you want to or not, so I don’t have to deal with my fears and own inadequacies.

Is self disclosure safe within any relationship?

That’s not a guarantee beforehand. What’s revealed could be used against you. But self disclosure presents the opportunity to get to know yourself in the presence of your spouse.

Self presentation, on the other hand, is the portrayal of what you think your partner wants to encounter, or what you think the situation calls for – it’s not a revealing of yourself.

Many people state they’re interested in intimate relationships or that they want more intimacy in their marriage – here’s a few things to know about intimacy and intimacy expectations:

  • Intimacy is just as likely to be disconcerting and uncomfortable as it is to be warm and fuzzy.
  • Obsession with intimacy leads to less satisfying relationships
  • People who pursue only intimate relationships limit the pleasure and freedom of less demanding relationships
  • Seeking understanding is often a demand for your partner to understand you the way you understand yourself
    -  “Accept me the way that I am”
    -  Asking your spouse for validation of your inaccurate self-portrait
    -  Demanding that your spouse understand what you yourself haven’t figured out about you

Many times the complaint about lack of intimacy is actually the inability to tolerate the intense awareness of self and/or other.

When your spouse tells you that they have no interest in travel, knowing full well that you love to travel, what happens to you? Do you feel rejected and unloved? Do you appreciate your spouse’s willingness to tell you who he/she is, whether you like it or not? Do you immediately plan to give up travel . . . or get a new spouse?

What about a third option – you can accept that your spouse is not you, and you can both love your spouse, and love to travel.

Marriage presents countless opportunities for self disclosure due to the differences between you and your mate. But a truly intimate relationship only occurs when you show up  - as the real you.

It’s a leap of faith, yes, but it’s the only pathway to true intimacy.

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Too Busy For Marriage?

Meet the All-American family: a house in the suburbs, nice cars, 2.5 kids, both parents working, kids on a team for soccer, baseball, dance, quite a bit of debt on credit cards, a mortgage, and routine, vanilla sex once a week (usually).

Or put another way, schedules run the show.

Perhaps you don’t consider yourself the All-American family. Okay.

How do you usually answer this question: “So, how are things?”

My guess is the simple reply … “busy.”

If your schedule is jammed packed and runs the show, have you ever stopped and wondered if you’re too busy for your marriage?

If your answer is yes, why do you suppose we allow ourselves to stay so busy?

I’ve seen many couples in my counseling practice who claim that their marriage is a priority but their actions display anything but.

Truth is:

We make time for the important things in our life.

I play basketball at lunch time several times a week. I have for years. It’s tough to take that time out of the middle of the day, but I find a way to make it happen. Golf may be the thing you find time for. Or trips to the bar. Guys weekends. Hunting. Whatever it is, if it’s important enough to us, we find a way to make it happen.

So the question to hit you right between the eyes…

Where does your marriage fit on your list of importance?

If you’re like I was, my wife went up and down my life importance list. When I was interested in sex, she would climb the ladder of importance. After that need was met, she would fall down the list again. When I was down about something, I would seek her out in order for her to help me feel better. Once my mood was propped up, I was off to my own agenda again.

If you desire a marriage that is fully alive, it requires you to be honest with yourself and be more present and involved in the important aspects of your life.

Making time for your spouse will require you both to face the issues that get the in way of the time together.

It very well could be that you both stay busy in order to save the marriage. Your busyness keeps you together, because if you slowed down and spent time together, the issues, resentments, disappointments, frustrations, etc. would come front and center.

If you discover this is the case in your marriage, seek professional help. I’ve even created a guide to help in choosing the right counselor. At the very least, be honest with yourself, and then your spouse.

If marriage is important to you, show it in your actions.

Learn to say no to other schedule filling items in order to be together.

Do less.

Limit your kids to one activity a week.

Have a regular date night.

Making time for marriage requires more from each spouse. But the beautiful thing is, you are both capable of giving more to the marriage. And in return, you experience more in the marriage.

(photo source)