Can We Really Hate Our Spouse?

lovehateIt is safe to say that each of us entered into married life believing that our love would last and the passion we felt would see us through any potential heartache and struggle.

This is what makes it so humbling when we discover that we do indeed have the capacity, if not tendency, to actually despise the one we love.

Perhaps this is why relationships present such paradoxes.

In the prior post about the dark side of married life we discussed how there is an aspect of normal marital sadism found in marriage. This produced some immediate pushback from several readers.

I get it, why in the world would we take any pleasure out of hurting someone we love? Much less, admit it.

From my vantage point, this phenomenon is more widespread than many of us would like to admit. Hence the reason it can be called normal – but don’t confuse normal as healthy. [Read more…]

Simple Way To Improve Your Marriage

We can make marriage far too complicated at times.

Here’s a simple way to improve your life, and marriage.

Stop Shoulding On Yourself

How often do you should on yourself?

You will know what I’m talking about if you ever get the feeling that you’re living a life you never really wanted.

You wind up simply existing, doing what you think other people think you should do.

If you’re like most people, you have forgotten what you even want and simply live according to how you should: [Read more…]

Mobile Lovers


There is a street artist named Bansky that has created something that may strike far too close to home. This piece is painted on a quaint stone wall on Clement Street in Bristol, United Kingdom.


Couple of questions for you …

Did you pose for this painting?

Would your spouse say you did?

The Dark Side of Married Life


There is a dark side in each one of us that is seldom discussed.

An aspect of us that plays out in the shadows of relationship.

And far too often it is unrecognized and unacknowledged, allowing us to treat those we claim to love poorly, all while feeling virtuous.

Not sure what I’m talking about?

Unless you’re familiar with Dr. David Schnarch, you likely haven’t heard about this dark side of married life. What follows is adapted from his work.

This is the couple where the husband tortures his wife with his premature ejaculation issue for 20 years while doing nothing to address his issue. Or the wife who grudgingly participates in sex with her husband and feels like she’s doing him a favor. Or the marriage where both spouses claim to be each other’s best friend yet continually treat each other with contempt.

This idea is exacerbated by trite statements like “people always do the best they can at the time” because it takes goodness for granted, minimizes how hard it can be to actually do the best you can, and it blinds you to the ugliness of those who regularly don’t. [Read more…]

1% Can Change Your Marriage

Each new year many people start off strong, with lofty goals and ideas to implement.

There’s nothing wrong with these resolutions – I make them too – although lately I’ve followed Chris Brogan’s Three Words idea.

Added to this idea, what if I were also to challenge you that if you only focus on 1% – this next year could completely transform your marriage?

Put another way, if someone challenged you to “give a full 1% of your time each week” to each other, to just be together, peacefully sifting through the bits and pieces of your lives; giving space for your love to recover, heal, discover and grow… how would you respond?

[Read more…]