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Make your marriage a priority and your kids benefit

Couples/EngagementIf there is one thing that will throw a wrench in married-life, it’s kids.

Don’t get me wrong, kids are a tremendous blessing and source of fun and laughter, but they can also be whiny, energy draining monsters that can suck joy out of things at a the drop of a hat.

With kids around the house, no matter what their ages, life gets more complicated and busy.

Activities, homework, chores, meal, bedtimes, carpools, and on it goes.

Much of how we do family is learned and passed down through the generations. Each generation either adopts what their family did, or goes to the other extreme vowing to do family vastly different than the previous generation.

Either way, your past influences your present. And your present will influence your kids future.

How great would it be to pass along a simple, loving, passionate, adventurous marriage to your future generations?

It can be done, and it’s easier than you think.

It begins by slowing down and making a note of all you do in your marriage during a typical week. Seriously, take a moment and write down your typical week of married life. Not things you do for your children, not things you do for your job or career, or the things you do so the house looks the way you’d like – but the things you do with your spouse.

If you’re like most people, this little exercise will be a bit disheartening. You’ll likely see that your marriage is often pushed aside for other things. It is so easy to replace the important with the immediate.

Research is now revealing that when priority is placed on the marriage and not the children – the children, and not surprisingly the marriage, benefit.

On a side note: Care to guess what’s the second highest timeframe for divorce?

After 20 plus years of marriage is now statistically second. The reason? Kids are gone and there’s little to hold the couple together.

So regardless where you find yourself currently, if you work on making your marriage a priority, your kids reap the benefits. So do you.

Here’s a few ideas that may help.

1. Steal moments together. If you have young children in the house like I do, it’s often difficult to find times to connect with your spouse. Take advantage of bed time routines. My wife and I have short discussions while the kids are in the bathtub. We sit together on the deck after they go to bed. Look for moments throughout your day, you’ll likely find many opportunities.

2. Make it clear that you love your spouse. It’s been stated that one of the best things you can do for your children is love their mom/dad. This is true, but it goes beyond just saying it. Sit together while watching a movie or TV. Hug. Kiss. Talk. Cuddle. All in front of your kids.

3. Do things as a family, but for your marriage. Go on walks. Ride bikes. Eat outside. Play. Go to the playground and not only push your kids in the swing, push your spouse as well. It’s the little things that you can do together that will create lasting bonds for your marriage, and your family.

4. Go on dates. Take advantage of family members who live close by or contribute to the economy of a local teenager by hiring them to babysit so you and your spouse can go out for an evening. It may take some planning, but it’s worth it. Make a point to have an evening alone with your spouse at least once a month.

5. Give up the TV. We have gone without the TV several times in the past couple of years and it’s amazing to see what that did for our marriage. Try it for a week, or limit the shows you watch and use that time to talk, do little projects together, or spend your the time in other pursuits (wink, wink).

6. Declutter. Clutter distracts, adds chaos, and drains energy from life and your relationships. If you want to give your marriage a boost, declutter the master bedroom. Nothing can kill a romantic moment like embracing your lover, kissing passionately, making your way to the bed together only to trip over the pile of clothes on the floor. Spend some time this week decluttering your room. The rest of the house can wait.

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Don’t bother trying to rekindle your marriage

There is a popular belief in the marriage and relationship world that when the doldrums hit and you find yourself more numb than really alive, you should look for ways to get back what you once had.

Call it a spark. A zest. A passion. Whatever.

The point is, something’s missing and since you once had it – you can go back and find it again.

Wrong.

Life is not lived backwards.

Our past is important.

Who we once were is what our spouse found attractive (since that person caught the eye of your spouse and reeled them in the rest of the way). But the previous version of you is long gone and trying to go back and find him/her is a path to more frustration.

While you may be able to produce a brief spark by reminiscing about when you were dating, it won’t be a lasting spark.

The main reason – you’re up against the “love drug” in your brain.

When you first met and fell in love with your spouse you both experienced a chemically induced high. Your brain flooded with a chemical called Phenylethylamine (PEA), which remains in your brain from 6 months to 2 years. PEA produces a feeling of euphoria, a sense of belonging, and a feeling of obsession (which is why you want to talk and be with your new found love every moment).

As PEA fades over time (and it will) many people believe that you can recreate the same levels of emotion within the relationship. Problem is, you can’t.

You cannot go back a manufacture PEA in your brain within the same relationship (although I’m sure the pharmaceutical companies are trying to figure out a way).

What you can do, increase the levels of Oxytocin in your system.

Oxytocin is known as the “bonding” chemical. It produces the deep connection to others, the lasting bond that long term relationships create. Oxytocin is released when you bond with another person – the most intense experiences are mother and infant while nursing and during orgasm. But other contacts create this bond as well: massages, eye contact, hugs, holding hands.

On the other end of the spectrum, going through crisis and tragedy together dramatically increases the levels of Oxytocin as well.

This is why it is worth it to work through the rough patches in marriage.

What it produces is a deeper, more lasting bond.

Now that you know what you’re up against when you face the monotonous times in marriage, here’s a couple of ideas to help up the Oxytocin in your life:

1. Catch romance where you can
You can learn to build romance at unexpected times — during your daily commute, while doing laundry — you can even do this through a long, lingering kiss or just holding hands. In other words, the next time you hear find you’ve got a couple of minutes to yourselves, make use of it — give that  Oxytocin a boost.

2. Nurture your separate selves
Having your own hobbies isn’t a sign you are drifting apart. On the contrary, developing individual interests allows for a richer life as a couple. Taking personal responsibility for your own well-being relieves the your spouse of the pressure to “provide” happiness — so go ahead and nurture some solo adventures. That’ll also keep each of you stocked with plenty of adventures to chat about, which also tightens your bond.

3. Take on a project together
Separate interests aside, exploring new ground together is also important since it strengthens your history of shared experiences (Oxytocin boost). Commit to run a 5K together. Create a project for your home or kids. Big projects together offer increases in Oxytocin because they are often filled with highs and lows, but the lows will create a bond as well. Couples who take on adventures together get a sense of daring and accomplishment that can really kick up their chemistry!

4. Touch each other (sexually and non-sexually)
The boost of connection you receive from human touch is huge. And every touch doesn’t have to be sexual in nature. Sure, sexual touch is important and will increase the connection, but so will non-sexual touch. Hold hands, hug, sit close beside one another, cuddle. Each little (or big) gesture can cause a boost of Oxytocin for both of you.

Want to blow things up and create something so much better?

Join Blow Up My Marriage today – enrollment is closing this week.

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The Hidden Power In Your Marriage


Nice Guys are wimps.

In fact, Nice Guys tend to play the wimpy, victim role very well.

You hear it in what they say to themselves and others:

“It’s just not fair.”
“How come she always gets her way?”
“If they would just …”

This same idea holds true for Pleasers (the female version of the Nice Guy).

The Nice Guy paradigm begins in childhood as a survival mechanism. In order to get their love and attention needs met they develop this belief; “If I’m good and do what’s right, I’ll be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem free life.”

The problem with childhood survival mechanisms, we carry them forward into adulthood and expect them to work like they did when we were children.

We all do this to some degree, but they seldom work as intended.

The Nice Guy however, carries with him the belief that he can create a problem free and smooth life.

The truth is, this is an impossibility.

Life is chaotic.

Life is struggle.

Life is filled with things beyond our control.

But the Nice Guy believes otherwise. He is convinced that if he does everything right, everything will go right in his life.

The Nice Guy reacts to the fear of an out of control world by seeking to control everything around him, thus eliminating the fear (at least in his mind). While we on this subject, Nice Girls do this as well.

And if you’re honest with yourself, you do this too.

To move beyond fear and seeking to control everything around you, you must reclaim your personal power.

This is the state of mind that is confident you can handle whatever life throws your way. It’s the ability to face the fear of a situation in life and do it anyway.

The first step to reclaiming personal power involves surrendering.

Ironically, the most important aspect of reclaiming personal power is surrender – letting go of what you can’t change and changing what you can – and once again, this begins and ends with you.

I’ve worked with many married clients who’ve felt stuck in their marriage and under the power of their spouse. They didn’t want out of the marriage, only to feel unstuck.

When they realized that they alone are responsible for their life and then lived according to their own integrity and values, they began reclaiming their personal power and changing their life. And due to the nature of systems, when they changed, their marriage changed – mostly for the better.

Steve (name changed obviously due to confidentiality) is a good example of this process. When he came to therapy, he wanted to “fix” his spouse because she was moody, depressed, and had almost no interest in sex. As the process unfolded, Steve began to acknowledge and own up to his role in the marriage. He also realized that he had almost no outside interests and no male friends. All of his attention was focused on his wife and her “issues.”

Steve wanted the magic key that would help his wife feel better, thus increasing the likelihood that she’d then meet some of his needs. He also lived in tremendous fear that his wife would leave him if he didn’t take care of her.

He was in a major quandary.

The answer to his dilemma was discovered when began to no longer work to change his wife and focused on changing himself.

He began to realize that he could not control his wife and her moods or interests, but he could control his.

When Steve began to live more in line with his core values and integrity and less in fear of his wife’s reactions and feelings, a tremendous shift occurred in their marriage. He found that he has less disappointments and frustrations with his wife and began seeing her as a “gift” in his life. At the same time, his wife began to step up and address her frustrations in her own life and sought help for her depressed moods.

This process involved a great deal of fear and anxiety for both Steve and his wife, but they faced the fear and moved forward knowing they could handle whatever may happen.

Perhaps you’re in a similar situation or you’ve noticed that you’re a Nice Guy (or Pleaser) and want to change.

If so, Blow Up My Marriage is enrolling now — sign up and take some steps towards regaining the personal power in your life.

Source: No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert Glover
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Rational logic vs. emotional logic

 

Enrollment for the summer session of Blow Up My Marriage is now open.

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How much money makes you happy?

happyDo you earn enough money to be happy?

According to a study from Gallup, earning $75,000 a year is a magic income level in America.

As salaries increased for the 450,000 people surveyed, the day-to-day level of happiness rose as well – until it reached a plateau at $75,000.

Does this mean a person earning $150,000 isn’t any happier than a person earning $75,000?

In both cases, the general day-to-day happiness or contentment was similar – but those who made more than $75,000 were more satisfied with their general position or status in the world.

“Giving people more income beyond 75K is not going to do much for their daily mood . . . but it is going to make them feel they have a better life.” ~ Angus Deaton, researcher

Working hard and earning a great salary is fine. The challenge comes in learning how to be content with what you have in every situation.

Contentment doesn’t mean being lazy or complacent.

It means finding the value in the things you have without feeling like you need to upgrade to make yourself feel better.

Remember, happiness is fleeting at best.

No matter what salary situation you find yourself in, be careful not to rely on happiness more than you rely on the joy that can be found in the moment.

In other words … remember the strawberries.

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Peaceful Simplicity

Whatever the tasks, do them slowly
with ease,
in mindfulness,
so not do any tasks with the goal
of getting them over with.
Resolve to each job in a relaxed way,
with all your attention.

- Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Master

In our daily lives, we often rush through tasks, trying to get them done, trying to finish as much as we can each day, speeding along in our cars to our next destination, rushing to do what we need to do there, and then leaving so that we can speed to our next destination.

Unfortunately, it’s often not until we get to our final destination that we realize what madness this all is.

At the end of the day, we’re often exhausted and stressed out from the grind and the chaos and the busy-ness of the day. We don’t have time for what’s important to us, for what we really want to be doing, for spending time with loved ones, for doing things we’re passionate about.

And yet, it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s possible to live a simpler life, one where you enjoy each activity, where you are present in everything (or most things) you do, where you are content rather than rushing to finish things.

If that appeals to you, let’s take a look at some suggestions for living a simple, peaceful, content life:

  1. What’s important. First, take a step back and think about what’s important to you. What do you really want to be doing, who do you want to spend your time with, what do you want to accomplish with your work? Make a short list of 4-5 things for your life, 4-5 people you want to spend time with, 4-5 things you’d like to accomplish at work
  2. Examine your commitments. A big part of the problem is that our lives are way too full. We can’t possibly do everything we have committed to doing, and we certainly can’t enjoy it if we’re trying to do everything. Accept that you can’t do everything, know that you want to do what’s important to you, and try to eliminate the commitments that aren’t as important.
  3. Do less each day. Don’t fill your day up with things to do. You will end up rushing to do them all. If you normally try (and fail) to do 7-10 things, do 3 important ones instead (with 3 more smaller items to do if you get those three done). This will give you time to do what you need to do, and not rush.
  4. Leave space between tasks or appointments. Another mistake is trying to schedule things back-to-back. This leaves no cushion in case things take longer than we planned (which they always do), and it also gives us a feeling of being rushed and stressed throughout the day. Instead, leave a good-sized gap between your appointments or tasks, allowing you to focus more on each one, and have a transition time between them.
  5. Eliminate as much as possible from your to-do list. You can’t do everything on your to-do list. Even if you could, more things will come up. As much as you can, simplify your to-do list down to the essentials. This allows you to rush less and focus more on what’s important.
  6. Now, slow down and enjoy every task. Whatever you’re doing, whether it’s a work task or taking a shower or brushing your teeth or cooking dinner or driving to work, slow down. Try to enjoy whatever you’re doing. Try to pay attention, instead of thinking about other things. Be in the moment. This isn’t easy, as you will often forget. But find a way to remind yourself. Unless the task involves actual pain, there isn’t anything that can’t be enjoyable if you give it the proper attention.
  7. Single-task. Make this a mantra. Do one thing at a time, and do it well.
  8. Eat slower. This is just a more specific application of Tip #6, but it’s something we do every day, so it deserves special attention.
  9. Drive slower. Another application of the same principle, driving is something we do that’s often mindless and rushed. Instead, slow down and enjoy the journey.
  10. Eliminate stress. Find the stressors in your life, and find ways to eliminate them.
  11. Practice enoughness. All you really need is … enough.
  12. Create time for solitude. In addition to slowing down and enjoying the tasks we do, and doing less of them, it’s also important to just have some time to yourself.
  13. Do nothing. Sometimes, it’s good to forget about doing things, and do nothing. Here’s more.
  14. Sprinkle simple pleasures throughout your day. Knowing what your simple pleasures are, and putting a few of them in each day, can go a long way to making life more enjoyable.
  15. Practice being present. You can practice being in the moment at any time during the day. Here’s how.
  16. Find inspirations. Learn from the best. What stirs something deep inside you?
  17. Make frugality an enjoyable thing too. Instead of delayed gratification, don’t forget to enjoy life now while saving for later.
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Taken and adapted from Zen Habits