10 Ways to Unhappily Ever After, Guaranteed

Editor’s Note: This is part of the “one of my favorites” category and an appropriate post following Mary Ann’s Expectations post from last week.

Go to your local bookstore and search the shelves for as many save your relationship books as you can find. You’ll likely come across more than 100 titles.

So with all the information out there regarding how to have a successful marriage, what makes the principles so hard to incorporate and apply?

To be fair, there is no definitive formula that everyone can follow to discover a marriage out of this world. Marriage and relationships are not that simple.

lasting marriage can be attained and it’s simpler than you think.

But if you want some sure fire ways to fail miserably in your marriage, follow these simple steps:

  1. Complain. Constantly whine and complain about the events in your life. Complain to everyone about everything. To further increase the odds of failure, turn your complaining into personal attacks of your partner’s character. I’m sure they’ll love it.
  2. Live in a cluttered home. Nothing adds to the stress level of a marriage like a cluttered home. It’s disorganized and chaotic. Save everything possible. After all, that receipt you have from 1997 may be needed for this year’s tax return.
  3. Complicate things. Stated another way, over think everything. Most things in life are not all that complicated but do everything you can to make the decision on what to have for dinner as complicated as possible.
  4. Have a busy schedule. Work, kids, school, friends, family, housework, social activities, travel, and on it goes. Cram as many things into life as you possibly can. Then, don’t enjoy the things you’re committed to because you’re worrying about the next thing on the list. Pretty soon you’ll turn around and be facing retirement isolated from your loved ones. Won’t that be lovely?
  5. Be too close to each other. Every relationship begins with the desire to be as close as possible. You think about them all the time. You scheme ways to be together. As your relationship progresses, do everything you can to remain this close. Smother your spouse. Don’t allow them to chart their own way in life. Work to make your spouse your emotional siamese twin, joined at the emotional hip. Unable to act independently from you, thus ensuring you’ll be forever together and in love.
  6. Spend no time alone. When you get married, your spouse’s outside world should disappear. You should be each other’s only social outlets.
  7. Always insist you are right. Never, ever admit you could be wrong about anything. If you feel you may be losing an argument, make up some obscure un-Googleable facts to back you up. If that doesn’t work, head quickly for the high moral ground and say your not prepared to talk about the matter for a moment longer.
  8. Be overly-controlling. Even though this may come across as manipulative, assume your spouse has no idea what to do in their life and make every decision for them. After all, you know what’s best in every situation, right?
  9. Triangulate your children (pardon the psychobabble for a moment). In families, whenever a need or desire is not met by one of the members, often another person is recruited to fulfill it. For example, you don’t get all the attention you wish from your spouse so you dive into your kid’s world. With this principle in mind, bring the kids into the marriage relationship as often as possible. Allow them to be privy to every adult decision and financial difficulty that comes along. Live vicariously through your children. Not only will you end up as a stranger to your spouse after the kids move out, you’ll increase the likelihood that your kids will continue the same pattern in their relationships.
  10. Dive into the media. Believe everything the media reports without question. That way you can view this world as an incredibly horrible place to live. Plus, if you follow the above suggestions, you’ll be able to convince your spouse of this as well.

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