Simple Marriage

Online Solutions:
Marriage help that works.
by

Make your marriage a priority and your kids benefit

Couples/EngagementIf there is one thing that will throw a wrench in married-life, it’s kids.

Don’t get me wrong, kids are a tremendous blessing and source of fun and laughter, but they can also be whiny, energy draining monsters that can suck joy out of things at a the drop of a hat.

With kids around the house, no matter what their ages, life gets more complicated and busy.

Activities, homework, chores, meal, bedtimes, carpools, and on it goes.

Much of how we do family is learned and passed down through the generations. Each generation either adopts what their family did, or goes to the other extreme vowing to do family vastly different than the previous generation.

Either way, your past influences your present. And your present will influence your kids future.

How great would it be to pass along a simple, loving, passionate, adventurous marriage to your future generations?

It can be done, and it’s easier than you think.

It begins by slowing down and making a note of all you do in your marriage during a typical week. Seriously, take a moment and write down your typical week of married life. Not things you do for your children, not things you do for your job or career, or the things you do so the house looks the way you’d like – but the things you do with your spouse.

If you’re like most people, this little exercise will be a bit disheartening. You’ll likely see that your marriage is often pushed aside for other things. It is so easy to replace the important with the immediate.

Research is now revealing that when priority is placed on the marriage and not the children – the children, and not surprisingly the marriage, benefit.

On a side note: Care to guess what’s the second highest timeframe for divorce?

After 20 plus years of marriage is now statistically second. The reason? Kids are gone and there’s little to hold the couple together.

So regardless where you find yourself currently, if you work on making your marriage a priority, your kids reap the benefits. So do you.

Here’s a few ideas that may help.

1. Steal moments together. If you have young children in the house like I do, it’s often difficult to find times to connect with your spouse. Take advantage of bed time routines. My wife and I have short discussions while the kids are in the bathtub. We sit together on the deck after they go to bed. Look for moments throughout your day, you’ll likely find many opportunities.

2. Make it clear that you love your spouse. It’s been stated that one of the best things you can do for your children is love their mom/dad. This is true, but it goes beyond just saying it. Sit together while watching a movie or TV. Hug. Kiss. Talk. Cuddle. All in front of your kids.

3. Do things as a family, but for your marriage. Go on walks. Ride bikes. Eat outside. Play. Go to the playground and not only push your kids in the swing, push your spouse as well. It’s the little things that you can do together that will create lasting bonds for your marriage, and your family.

4. Go on dates. Take advantage of family members who live close by or contribute to the economy of a local teenager by hiring them to babysit so you and your spouse can go out for an evening. It may take some planning, but it’s worth it. Make a point to have an evening alone with your spouse at least once a month.

5. Give up the TV. We have gone without the TV several times in the past couple of years and it’s amazing to see what that did for our marriage. Try it for a week, or limit the shows you watch and use that time to talk, do little projects together, or spend your the time in other pursuits (wink, wink).

6. Declutter. Clutter distracts, adds chaos, and drains energy from life and your relationships. If you want to give your marriage a boost, declutter the master bedroom. Nothing can kill a romantic moment like embracing your lover, kissing passionately, making your way to the bed together only to trip over the pile of clothes on the floor. Spend some time this week decluttering your room. The rest of the house can wait.

(photo source)
by

Simple Marriage in Action: John

Editor’s note: This is a post in the series, Simple Marriage in Action.

John

We’ve been married for 36 years, and still feel like we are growing.

Here are the six things we have found most helpful.

  1. Be intentional. Never put things on autopilot. A colleague of mine from Minnesota said, “Being married is a lot like putting a canoe in the Mississippi River in St. Paul. Unless your paddle hard, you’re going to drift south. We’ve tried to be aware of the tendency to drift and address that.
  2. Have fun. It helps if at least one of you is light-hearted. That happens to be my wife. I’ve always said I’d rather have a bad time with her than a good time with anybody else. We have found it doesn’t take a lot of money to have fun. Cherish these times, and realize they aren’t just fun…they are essential.
  3. Get away. We go on at least one retreat a year (we go to WinShape in Mt. Berry, GA). But we take several other mini retreats throughout the year. These times of retreat help us put things in perspective, keep our “eye on the prize” and rise above the fray.
  4. Make your marriage a priority. Kids take their toll on a marriage, as does life in general, but hopefully your marriage will be there after other things are gone. We’ve had our share of rough patches, but we always tried to work on things as a team. I tell younger couples, I hope you never have to go through this, but if you do, keep your marriage strong because you are going to need each other.
  5. Faith has been an important part of our life together. Not sure how we could have survived some of the storms had it not been for our faith in God. All the virtues taught in scripture are important for a healthy marriage, but I think grace and forgiveness (and perhaps patience) are the most important. Gratitude goes a long way, too. Praying for your spouse is important, too, as long as you aren’t praying for them to change. We also realize there is an enemy out there that doesn’t want our marriage to survive, but that enemy is not each other.
  6. We realized we can’t control or change each other. We can only change and control ourselves. But most of the time, when you change, the other person changes in response.
by

Don’t bother trying to rekindle your marriage

There is a popular belief in the marriage and relationship world that when the doldrums hit and you find yourself more numb than really alive, you should look for ways to get back what you once had.

Call it a spark. A zest. A passion. Whatever.

The point is, something’s missing and since you once had it – you can go back and find it again.

Wrong.

Life is not lived backwards.

Our past is important.

Who we once were is what our spouse found attractive (since that person caught the eye of your spouse and reeled them in the rest of the way). But the previous version of you is long gone and trying to go back and find him/her is a path to more frustration.

While you may be able to produce a brief spark by reminiscing about when you were dating, it won’t be a lasting spark.

The main reason – you’re up against the “love drug” in your brain.

When you first met and fell in love with your spouse you both experienced a chemically induced high. Your brain flooded with a chemical called Phenylethylamine (PEA), which remains in your brain from 6 months to 2 years. PEA produces a feeling of euphoria, a sense of belonging, and a feeling of obsession (which is why you want to talk and be with your new found love every moment).

As PEA fades over time (and it will) many people believe that you can recreate the same levels of emotion within the relationship. Problem is, you can’t.

You cannot go back a manufacture PEA in your brain within the same relationship (although I’m sure the pharmaceutical companies are trying to figure out a way).

What you can do, increase the levels of Oxytocin in your system.

Oxytocin is known as the “bonding” chemical. It produces the deep connection to others, the lasting bond that long term relationships create. Oxytocin is released when you bond with another person – the most intense experiences are mother and infant while nursing and during orgasm. But other contacts create this bond as well: massages, eye contact, hugs, holding hands.

On the other end of the spectrum, going through crisis and tragedy together dramatically increases the levels of Oxytocin as well.

This is why it is worth it to work through the rough patches in marriage.

What it produces is a deeper, more lasting bond.

Now that you know what you’re up against when you face the monotonous times in marriage, here’s a couple of ideas to help up the Oxytocin in your life:

1. Catch romance where you can
You can learn to build romance at unexpected times — during your daily commute, while doing laundry — you can even do this through a long, lingering kiss or just holding hands. In other words, the next time you hear find you’ve got a couple of minutes to yourselves, make use of it — give that  Oxytocin a boost.

2. Nurture your separate selves
Having your own hobbies isn’t a sign you are drifting apart. On the contrary, developing individual interests allows for a richer life as a couple. Taking personal responsibility for your own well-being relieves the your spouse of the pressure to “provide” happiness — so go ahead and nurture some solo adventures. That’ll also keep each of you stocked with plenty of adventures to chat about, which also tightens your bond.

3. Take on a project together
Separate interests aside, exploring new ground together is also important since it strengthens your history of shared experiences (Oxytocin boost). Commit to run a 5K together. Create a project for your home or kids. Big projects together offer increases in Oxytocin because they are often filled with highs and lows, but the lows will create a bond as well. Couples who take on adventures together get a sense of daring and accomplishment that can really kick up their chemistry!

4. Touch each other (sexually and non-sexually)
The boost of connection you receive from human touch is huge. And every touch doesn’t have to be sexual in nature. Sure, sexual touch is important and will increase the connection, but so will non-sexual touch. Hold hands, hug, sit close beside one another, cuddle. Each little (or big) gesture can cause a boost of Oxytocin for both of you.

Want to blow things up and create something so much better?

Join Blow Up My Marriage today – enrollment is closing this week.

(photo source)
by

Lighter Side: Skyping Your Spouse

Skype

by

The Hidden Power In Your Marriage


Nice Guys are wimps.

In fact, Nice Guys tend to play the wimpy, victim role very well.

You hear it in what they say to themselves and others:

“It’s just not fair.”
“How come she always gets her way?”
“If they would just …”

This same idea holds true for Pleasers (the female version of the Nice Guy).

The Nice Guy paradigm begins in childhood as a survival mechanism. In order to get their love and attention needs met they develop this belief; “If I’m good and do what’s right, I’ll be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem free life.”

The problem with childhood survival mechanisms, we carry them forward into adulthood and expect them to work like they did when we were children.

We all do this to some degree, but they seldom work as intended.

The Nice Guy however, carries with him the belief that he can create a problem free and smooth life.

The truth is, this is an impossibility.

Life is chaotic.

Life is struggle.

Life is filled with things beyond our control.

But the Nice Guy believes otherwise. He is convinced that if he does everything right, everything will go right in his life.

The Nice Guy reacts to the fear of an out of control world by seeking to control everything around him, thus eliminating the fear (at least in his mind). While we on this subject, Nice Girls do this as well.

And if you’re honest with yourself, you do this too.

To move beyond fear and seeking to control everything around you, you must reclaim your personal power.

This is the state of mind that is confident you can handle whatever life throws your way. It’s the ability to face the fear of a situation in life and do it anyway.

The first step to reclaiming personal power involves surrendering.

Ironically, the most important aspect of reclaiming personal power is surrender – letting go of what you can’t change and changing what you can – and once again, this begins and ends with you.

I’ve worked with many married clients who’ve felt stuck in their marriage and under the power of their spouse. They didn’t want out of the marriage, only to feel unstuck.

When they realized that they alone are responsible for their life and then lived according to their own integrity and values, they began reclaiming their personal power and changing their life. And due to the nature of systems, when they changed, their marriage changed – mostly for the better.

Steve (name changed obviously due to confidentiality) is a good example of this process. When he came to therapy, he wanted to “fix” his spouse because she was moody, depressed, and had almost no interest in sex. As the process unfolded, Steve began to acknowledge and own up to his role in the marriage. He also realized that he had almost no outside interests and no male friends. All of his attention was focused on his wife and her “issues.”

Steve wanted the magic key that would help his wife feel better, thus increasing the likelihood that she’d then meet some of his needs. He also lived in tremendous fear that his wife would leave him if he didn’t take care of her.

He was in a major quandary.

The answer to his dilemma was discovered when began to no longer work to change his wife and focused on changing himself.

He began to realize that he could not control his wife and her moods or interests, but he could control his.

When Steve began to live more in line with his core values and integrity and less in fear of his wife’s reactions and feelings, a tremendous shift occurred in their marriage. He found that he has less disappointments and frustrations with his wife and began seeing her as a “gift” in his life. At the same time, his wife began to step up and address her frustrations in her own life and sought help for her depressed moods.

This process involved a great deal of fear and anxiety for both Steve and his wife, but they faced the fear and moved forward knowing they could handle whatever may happen.

Perhaps you’re in a similar situation or you’ve noticed that you’re a Nice Guy (or Pleaser) and want to change.

If so, Blow Up My Marriage is enrolling now — sign up and take some steps towards regaining the personal power in your life.

Source: No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert Glover
(photo source)
by

Rational logic vs. emotional logic

 

Enrollment for the summer session of Blow Up My Marriage is now open.